How the Narcissist Shows Their True Colours

A narcissist has a vested interest in concealing the truth about themselves.

If they were their true, vile selves all the time then no-one would want to have anything to do with them.

Narcissists need other people because they lack a sense of self. Through other people they see themselves reflected, like a mirror, it reassures them.

Attention and energy from other people feeds the narcissist. It is essential to them; it makes them feel alive and that they exist.

So, without people a narcissist wouldn’t survive. Or at least they’d feel like they wouldn’t.

It’s very important to a narcissist that they get what they want.

However, a huge part of that is maintaining the pretence of being a decent person so people stay around.

It’s all an act, anything nice that the narcissist says or does.

Narcissists are very clever, they will rarely show their true personality consistently or frequently enough for people to be able to see it clearly.

The people that the narcissist likes or admires, will never see their authentic selves. They can maintain the act for these people.

However, the scapegoat will only ever really see their true character. But the narcissist makes it the scapegoat’s fault.

They will hide behind lies, accusing other people, twist reality, gas-light and make excuses if their mask ever slips.

Somehow it will be someone else’s fault, whatever they do or say.

If the narcissist can cause drama and chaos, then they will. The deeper emotional connection their target has with them, the greater scope for more attention and energy for the narcissist.

They will let the mask slip occasionally and then it’ll become more and more frequent.

As they feel you more and more under their control, they have no need for the act anymore. The act of being a decent person is a big effort for a narcissist and one that they can’t really be bothered with for too long.

The more they’ve isolated you, the greater control the narcissist has. Over time they erode your confidence and your ability to leave.

This gives the narcissist more and more control over the you.

They make it so that it feels impossible for you to leave, not only on the practical level but emotionally and mentally too.

This is the time when they will show the truth about themselves.

Once the narcissist has gained enough power and control over you, they start to relax.

Their true character will now appear more and more, the ‘loving’ act will not be so frequent or it may stop completely.

Then they feel that they have you trapped with them.

Narcissistic abuse is a cycle and has a recognisable pattern.

It begins when the narcissist is drawing you close, when they act like the parent or parent that you want. These times feel good, this is the parent/partner you want all the time.

You are close to them, you relax a little and share with them.

Bit by bit the narcissist starts to withdraw leaving you wondering where the good person has gone.

This slowly builds to the height of the abusive period, the atmosphere is worse and worse until the narcissist snaps.

This is when they are at their most abusive, there will be a huge argument, unpleasant situation or you’ll get the silent treatment.

This is the truth about them, this is their true character and personality.

It’s not about whatever they tell you it’s about but somehow, they will make it about you. They will make you feel it is all your fault.

Once you’ve apologised, or promised to be different, then things may settle down a bit. Then they may pretend to be a good loving person again, the act to reel you back in for the next abusive period.

The narcissist tests you to see how you will react.

If you take responsibility for the situation, even though it wasn’t your fault, then the narcissist knows that they’ve got you exactly where they want you.

Before this, they would have done a lot of things to test you to see how far they can push you. And each time you would have reacted in a way that showed them that you will take their abuse.

This is how you carry your wounds from an abusive childhood into all relationships and interactions with others.

Narcissists see these wounds and exploit them.

‘Death by a thousand cuts’

Narcissistic abuse is like ‘death by a thousand cuts’, there are a lot of small incidents that add up to a lot of damage done to you.

So, when the narcissist reveals their true, malicious character, it is only briefly and rarely if they want to keep you around.

However, they may decide at some point that you are no longer going to serve them, so then they allow their true colours to show more frequently.

They use other people, especially their own children and family members.

If they are not bothered about losing you, because they have a new scapegoat or are getting their attention elsewhere then they will increase their abuse.

This is the time when you will not be able to escape their vileness, nor be able to ignore it. It will be so frequent and become much more unpleasant.

For a narcissist, this may be their final test for you.

Over time a narcissist will seek reassurance that you will continue to take their abuse, even as it escalates.

So, they will conduct a series of small tests to see what they can get away with. After each incident, if you allow it, their abuse will get worse and worse.

The last test will come when they sense that you are pulling away from them.

Perhaps you are fed up with treated so badly, or you’ve made the realisation about narcissistic personality disorder. Whatever it is, they know you very well, so they know when the dynamic is changing.

The narcissist is happy treating you badly, especially if you are their scapegoat. They need someone to dump all their crap onto. This is the dynamic they want.

You may not be happy but the narcissist doesn’t care about that.

When their mask slips, and you see the truth about them it’s more of a sudden realisation of all the little things that didn’t make sense.

Everything becomes clear.

Over time, over the years or decades, the narcissist has shown what they are really like. In all the little things they did.

However, if you are focused on earning their love and seeking their approval you don’t see it.

Being raised by a narcissist, or being in a relationship with a narcissist, you are always looking for love. This means that you take some of their actions as being loving, even though they may not be.

You are also always looking for the good, loving person that they acted. And a part of you believes (or hopes) that this is the real them, and this person is there but just hiding away for some reason.

The damage is done each time they show their authentic character when they:

• put you down
• laugh at you
• don’t support you
• take without giving back
• manipulate
• control
• isolate
• insult
• gaslight
• lie
• twist things
• accuse or blame you
• threaten
• create drama
• have outbursts of rage
• give the silent treatment
• reject you
• ignore you
• are jealous
• prevent you from doing what you want
• control finances
• humiliate or shame you
• turn issues into arguments

(this list is by no means exhaustive, there are many more)

Each time they’ve done these things, you store the memory. This is especially the case because each time it happens it is never resolved.

A narcissist will never take responsibility for their actions, sincerely apologise or change their behaviour.

So, each time they’ve hurt you and you’ve raised the issue, they create drama. This is not to resolve the issue; this is to control the situation so that they are getting the maximum attention and energy from you.

It may not take a huge incident for you to realise the truth about the narcissist.

Perhaps you’ve just had enough and thought about things long enough to realise that it’s not right. Their behaviour is not normal for a loving and caring parent or partner.

Maybe you’ve realised about narcissistic personality disorder.

Then they just do something, not necessarily a big deal, and everything makes sense. All those times when they were horrible to you, all the abusive incidents all come together and it all clicks into place.

You’ll never be the same again.

From this point on, your relationship with them will not be the same.

As they sense you pulling away, they will ramp up their abuse, but you are seeing it clearly for the first time.

Their abuse escalates when they realise that you are not going to participate in the same dynamic anymore. They have nothing to lose, and don’t care.

I think this is the point when you will really see them for what they are.

It’s like the last battle, their last chance to get your attention and energy and to create drama. And they will exploit it to the maximum.

For you, however, it will just serve as confirmation of the toxicity of the relationship (or of their narcissistic personality disorder).

This is the point when you have to consider going no contact, because you have no choice.

My story

With my father

My father got progressively worse and worse as soon as he found out I was pregnant and when I had my son.

He was testing me to see if the dynamic would remain the same once I had my son.

The abusive incidents increased; it was every time we saw him. Unlike before when there was long enough between incidents for me to be able to ignore it and hope it wouldn’t happen again.

There was the time when my husband had to rescue me from my father in Spain, when my father said he ‘didn’t want to be anything’ to my son, when he couldn’t even wish me a happy birthday, when he came to ‘help’ when I gave birth, I could go on.

For me, the moment when it all clicked into place was just days after I had made the discovery about narcissistic personality disorder.

My father took my son out of the shopping trolley, because my son was kicking me.

In that moment, as he lifted him and turned from me, it was as if all the horrible things he’d done to me as a child came back to me.

That flash of memories and I saw clearly how he was abusing my son the same way as he had me.

There was nothing huge that he did, but it was huge to me.

I saw how he wanted to present himself as a loving caring grandfather to everyone else in the shop. However, I knew whatever he was saying to my son was very, very far from the words of a loving grandfather.

That was the moment when I knew that I had no choice. I had to save my son from my father.

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Originally published at https://comebackbrighter.com on May 17, 2022.