How Does a Someone Suffering From Narcissistic Abuse Act?
These are some of the common ways in which someone suffering from narcissistic abuse suffers.
Fearful and anxious
Being abused by a narcissist will make you very afraid, but you won’t necessarily know why.
You will have a high level of general fear and anxiety, which will pervade everything that you do. It will affect every decision that you make.
A lot of your fear will be focused on the narcissist, even though you may not even be aware.
Whenever the narcissist is around, you may be quieter or completely silent. You would have learnt already, that speaking about anything may get you into trouble.
Somehow narcissists manage to get into your head without you even being aware.
Every decision you make will be, consciously or subconsciously, affected by the narcissist and their wishes, expectations or desires.
This may lead to a reluctance to share with the narcissist, for fear of their disapproval. And it means that you will compromise on what you want to try to keep the peace with them.
Their approval or disapproval becomes the focus of your life, above everything else.
This fear is rooted in the fear of rejection and abandonment. This is usually stems from childhood and especially when there is a narcissistic parent or caregiver.
It doesn’t matter how old you are or if you are independent of the narcissist, this is a wound that you carry into adulthood until you recognise it and heal it.
Other narcissistic and toxic people will exploit this wound in you.
The narcissist creates this atmosphere where only they matter, and they have power and control over everyone.
Their disapproval could result in abandonment, not just of the narcissist but of the rest of the family, or group.
The family or rest of the group, also feel this same fear of abandonment and rally around the narcissist to ensure their own survival. This includes the narcissist’s partner, or the other parent, too, so children are risk being abandoned by both parents.
Being in a toxic environment means you suffer from anxiety.
This may be a general level of general anxiety, or more specific anxiety over certain circumstances such as social interactions.
When you don’t know where you stand with someone on whom you feel reliant, it can lead to this anxiety.
You could be reliant on the narcissist for somewhere to live, to eat, financially or emotionally. However you are rely on them, the narcissist will exploit this.
The narcissist is unpredictable and erratic. They are up and down, often with no explanation.
This could manifest as rage outbursts, when their fragile and sensitive ego is injured. Or it could be the silent treatment and cold body language.
You take extra care whenever you are with the narcissist, making sure that you don’t risk offending them.
Sometimes the narcissist over-reacts to something, leaving you wondering what it was all about. It is not clear, which makes you uneasy because you don’t know what you did wrong to make sure it doesn’t happen again.
Issues within the relationship will not be resolved, despite many hours of discussion or rows about it.
The narcissist may have a problem with you, but they’ll not tell you. Keeping you guessing means that you are constantly watchful and even more focused on the narcissist.
If you raise an issue, it will blow up into a huge drama. You will be accused; reality twisted and lies told. The situation will escalate, other people may be drawn into it.
Narcissists feed from this attention and energy from other people.
Reluctant to talk or being defensive
You will feel a great discomfort when talking about the narcissist, even if whatever you are saying is not bad.
People will be confused because you used to confide in them, but you don’t want to talk about the narcissist.
If anyone else talks about them, even in a neutral or good way, you will feel an overwhelming anxiety whatever you say. It will feel disloyal. You will feel annoyed, angry or frustrated at whoever is talking about the narcissist.
Anyone speaking about the narcissist, or a situation with them, in a negative way, or a way that seems negative, will make you very defensive.
You may lose friendships or cut off contact with family, members if they express any concern for you and the state of your relationship.
Or else the narcissist becomes a forbidden topic of conversation.
A part of you feels that whatever you say that’s good, may get back to the narcissist and misinterpreted. And then you will suffer for it.
Fear really manifests itself when you say something truthful or something that reflects poorly on the narcissist.
A part of you worries that they know, even if they are not there. The punishment would be terrible of they found out.
Perhaps you don’t fully trust the person you are talking to; in which case you will feel like it’s a trap and not say anything.
Friends of the narcissists are likely to be narcissistic or toxic themselves and will relish the chance to cause drama and get attention for themselves.
It is very uncomfortable being with a narcissist because there is a vast difference between what you believe about them and how they act.
This struggle you have between your head and reality is called cognitive dissonance.
People speaking to you about situations with the narcissist will provoke defensiveness because that situation doesn’t fit with your belief about the narcissist.
The more people care and try to offer support, the more you will distance yourself from them.
The narcissist puts on an act, pretending to be what you want and need. This is what keeps you in contact with them.
Narcissists expect a blind loyalty.
Narcissistic abuse gets progressively worse.
They are constantly testing you, to see what they can get away with.
The weaker your boundaries, the greater your people-pleasing and desire to be liked, the greater power the narcissist has over you.
These are the things that leave you vulnerable to narcissists.
It’s like a target to them but it’s also what attracts you to them. They know exactly how to pretend to be what you want and need.
Over time a narcissist will make it clear what their expectations are of you.
If you do anything that could be perceived as disloyal or they don’t like, you will be punished for it, by their rage, or silent treatment.
It won’t necessarily be spoken about, but it will be made clear to you.
Their punishment will make it clear exactly how they feel about it. Your discomfort will make sure that you don’t ever want that to happen again
They will also make it obvious that they are expected to be your priority and you are expected to do as they want.
This only goes one way, what you want doesn’t matter to them.
The narcissist becomes your sole focus, the only thing that matters.
Often you will compromise on what you want, usually to keep the peace.
Your relationships, friendships, career, money, all choices you make will be centred around what the narcissist expects from you.
The narcissist doesn’t care about your relationships or the people that matter to you. In fact, they want you isolated, so they will do all they can to disrupt or destroy your relationships and friendships.
If you are isolated you are entirely reliant on them.
Of course, this is all done so subtly and cleverly, you don’t even know that the narcissist is the cause of the difficulties in your other relationships.
Narcissists know how to exploit others’ weaknesses and pain for their own gain.
Narcissists are selfish, they don’t care about anyone else at all.
Whatever consequences you face for the decisions that you’ve made to please them, they don’t care. Even if you are their child or have children with them. As long as they are ok, that’s all that matters to them.
The love and acceptance of the narcissist becomes all that matters.
However, no matter what you do, you will never earn the love and acceptance of the narcissist. They know the power and control they have over you if they withhold it from you.
You feel responsible for the narcissists emotional state.
Whenever they feel angry, sad or ill, you feel responsible for it. The narcissist will take it out on you and blame you for it too.
If they are happy, you will be rewarded. However, you will always wonder when things might shift, suddenly, and without apparent reason.
Low self-esteem and little or no confidence
You will suffer from low self-esteem and little or no confidence. This will diminish even more over time.
Narcissists will target those with low self-respect and little spirit, they know that these people are vulnerable.
The more time spent with a narcissist, the lower your self-esteem and confidence become.
The narcissist has several tactics to diminish you, they aim to destroy other people. The more vulnerable you are, the more likely you will stay with the narcissist.
Finding fault, insulting, criticising, comparing, sneering, mocking, belittling, demanding, being jealous, acting out, blaming you and picking a fight are just some of the many ways a narcissist will undermine you.
A narcissist knows what to use to hurt you because they know your weaknesses. And you won’t even necessarily be aware that that’s what they are doing.
These people will strip you of everything, all the external things like your finances and your job or career, but also of your sense of self.
Sometimes a narcissist will criticise your appearance or tell you what to wear. It might be couched in concern for you, or it might be to insult you. Either way, it’s about them having control over how you look, just another way that they are exerting their power and control over you.
If this is you….
Get out as soon as you possibly can, even if it means a compromise on your standard of living.
Narcissists are dangerous and not to be underestimated, not just because they can also be violent, but because of the damage they do.
It’s not hopeless, the narcissist just makes you feel that way.
Get help.
The narcissist will use you until there’s nothing left, you’re just a shell of a human being. And then they will complain at you for having nothing left.
Please save yourself.
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Originally published at https://comebackbrighter.com on July 12, 2022.