How Does a Narcissistic Parent Treat Their Adult Children?

Narcissistic parents rule over their adult children, directly and indirectly. Just as they did when their offspring were children.

There’s not much that changes, even if the adult child is entirely independent from their parent.

The core problem is the child’s continued desire for the love and approval of their parent. This is the pattern of their childhood and continues into adulthood.

A narcissistic parent knows to keep that love and approval just out of reach of their child.

It is the main thing that keeps their child engaged with them, and constantly trying. No matter how badly they are treated, their children just keep on coming back.

It becomes the reward which will never be given.

Engulfing narcissists

The engulfing narcissist is the parent who is involved with everything with their child. Even when they are an adult.

It’s not about love, it’s about being in control of everything that their child does.

No boundaries are respected by an engulfing narcissist. In fact, if their child tries to impose a boundary it’s a challenge to the narcissist to disrespect it.

If there is something that the narcissist does for their child, it is not for the child.

It is because they are the child of the narcissist. The narcissist is entitled to it and therefore, by extension, is their child.

The narcissistic parent lives through their child.

Their focus is getting their child to do as they want. It doesn’t matter the preferences of the child, or what they are capable of, it all about the narcissist.

It’s about how their child reflects on the narcissist, if it’s good for the narcissist’s image or not.

Ignoring narcissists

These are the narcissists who just ignore their child, and if they have them, grandchildren.

They never call, or contact their child, it is always the child making the effort.

To the narcissist, it’s as if their child and grandchildren don’t even exist.

It doesn’t matter what their child does to try to win their approval, there’s no interest at all.

Sometimes, but not always, narcissists are engulfing or ignoring narcissists depending on the role they give their child.

Scapegoat versus golden child

The narcissist’s golden child is much more likely to have the narcissist’s attention in a positive way. Or at least it can be seen that way.

The child selected as the narcissist’s scapegoat, gets attention but only in a negative way.

So, a narcissist may be the engulfing narcissist to their golden child and ignoring to their scapegoat child.

By extension the golden child’s children will be golden grandchildren, and the scapegoat’s children the scapegoat grandchildren.

No matter if the child is the golden child or scapegoat, both are abused by the narcissist.

The golden child appears to have it better, but a part of them knows that they are not loved or approved of.

They often rely on their narcissistic parent, especially financially, but this traps them and keeps them close to the narcissist. Some part of them, always denied, also fears that the narcissist’s ‘love’ is conditional.

They are often spoilt, taught to not consider others, encouraged to be entitled and become narcissistic themselves.

The scapegoat has it worse, but they are also much more likely to break out, heal and be free. Their treatment has been so bad, it’s more difficult for them to ignore.

There’s no balance, one child seems to have it all and the other nothing from their narcissistic parent.

The narcissist decides these roles, but will also change them, temporarily, they don’t want anyone relaxing into their role. It keeps everyone on alert and focused on the narcissist.

Fear

Narcissists rule by fear.

Their adult child may not even be consciously aware of their fear.

But they will know that every decision they make, everything they say or do, will be run through the filter of ‘what would my parent say or do if I ………’.

Even if they are aware, they will be unaware of how the narcissist is controlling them indirectly.

That small voice that tells them that they won’t be a success, won’t get that job, or have a happy relationship, that’s their narcissistic parent’s toxic influence.

The anxiety they suffer from, overthinking, their lack of confidence and self-esteem, overwhelm and self-doubt, are the result of having a narcissistic parent.

When you don’t have the unconditional love and support of a parent, it forms the foundation of your life. And it begins in childhood and continues into adulthood.

Narcissistic parents will actively sabotage their children, they are jealous of them and compete with them.

It may be subtle, like faking concern for their child, or more overt telling their child they can’t do it.

As the child has been conditioned to seek their approval and share with them it gives the narcissist greater opportunity to sabotage them.

At its core, I believe, is the adult child’s fear that the narcissist will abandon them.

It doesn’t make sense, especially with an adult child that’s completely independent. However, that fear of abandonment was encouraged and nurtured by the narcissist during their childhood.

It gave the narcissist the power and control over their child.

The adult child drags that fear into their adulthood unless it’s recognised and healed.

Obligation

An adult child will feel obligated to their narcissistic parent.

There will be little fun, or enjoyment predicted, but they will still visit their narcissistic parent. It’s done purely out of obligation.

A narcissistic parent will have conditioned their child to feel a sense of obligation.

They will make their child feel that they have to be paid back for bringing them up. It might be telling them about the sacrifices they made for them or how they suffered for their child.

Perhaps it’s done so subtly that their child doesn’t even recognise it for what it is: manipulation.

Narcissistic parents will expect to spend holidays and celebration times with their adult child.

They will just assume it, no matter whatever their child’s situation. And if their child can’t, then they will make their anger clear, either by the silent treatment or their rage (or a combination of the two).

Often narcissistic parents will use their child as either a substitute spouse or as a friend.

If they are single or don’t have many (any?) friends, then it’s easier to manipulate their child into spending time with them than getting out there and meeting people.

Sometimes adult children live with their narcissistic parent. Then it’s the narcissist’s priority to make sure that their child doesn’t leave.

They want them trapped with them because living with them gives the narcissist a great deal of power and control.

Then they can control their life, make sure that they don’t get a job or a partner. The more that their child does to gain financial or emotional support to more chance they’ll leave.

Narcissists have children to have someone to exert their power and control over for their whole life.

Children are an excellent source of attention and energy for a narcissist because they always seek the narcissist’s love and approval. This emotional need, that the narcissist exploits, keeps them close to their parent, even if it means that they are abused for it.

Guilt

Narcissistic parents instil in their child a toxic guilt, which continues into adulthood.

This guilt is focused on seeking to not displease or anger the narcissist, it’s based in fear. That fear of abandonment.

The narcissist knows exactly how to activate this toxic guilt, which provokes feelings of shame for the child. Then, once the child feels that shame, they will do whatever they have to to try to alleviate it. So, the child does what the narcissist wants.

Some of the guilt will also be based in feeling responsible for the narcissist, especially for how they feel or their state of health.

A narcissistic parent, who by the consequences of their own actions, finds themselves alone at certain times of the year, or for weekends, will use their child.

Perhaps their child doesn’t want to see them, or they can’t. The narcissist will guilt trip them, often very subtly, into seeing them.

The narcissistic parent has installed the emotional strings that they pull to easily manipulate and control their child.

Sometimes they will use their age or state of health to emotionally manipulate their child.

Whatever their specific method, the result is the same- their child ends up doing what they want.

Narcissistic grandparents

Adult children with their own children, will have difficulties with their narcissistic parent.

A narcissistic grandparent does a lot of damage both to their grandchildren and to the relationship between their child and their grandchildren.

They are toxic.

It becomes about control with their grandchildren, just as it is with their children.

They seek to become the favourite, so they will spoil their grandchildren, ignore their parents’ rules, shower them with gifts, and not discipline or say no to them.

Their aim: to become the most important one, the favourite, to their grandchildren.

Children are very vulnerable to the manipulations of a narcissist.

They enjoy being spoilt, ignoring Mum and Dad’s rules, receiving gifts and not being told off or told no. They don’t realise the damage that’s being done, to themselves or to their relationship with their parents.

It’s abuse.

Grandchildren are not accepted for who they are.

They are expected to be little robots and do exactly as their narcissistic grandparent wants. If they don’t then the narcissist rages and may even cut contact with them.

Narcissistic grandparents relish grandchildren, young children are easy to manipulate and control. They love unconditionally and want to please their grandparents.

Just like their parent before them, grandchildren of narcissistic grandparents will seek their love and approval. The pattern repeats itself.

However, as they get older children start to develop their own character. This will be the time when the narcissistic grandparent seeks to assert their power and control over them.

It’s a competition with a narcissist, they have to win.

If a grandchild concedes to a narcissistic grandparent, then the narcissist wins in two ways.

They win over the child; they manipulated them or scared them into submission. And they win over the child’s parent, they were priority to the child.

Just like their parent before them, grandchildren of narcissistic grandparents will seek their love and approval. The pattern repeats itself.

For a narcissistic grandparent, it’s about their love and approval meaning more to the grandchild than their own parent.

An unhealed adult child of narcissistic parent will also prioritise their parent.

So, the grandchild and the child are both caught in the same trap, trying to win the narcissist’s love and approval.

The adult child is used to their abuse, it’s their normal. They don’t see it for what it is, and they certainly don’t see the importance of protecting their child from it.

Some adult children may push back, rebel against their parents. Then this puts their child in an even more difficult position.

A grandchild is expected, by the narcissist, to chose between them or their parents.

But the narcissistic grandparent fights dirty, there is no low that they won’t stoop to to win.

In conclusion

In short being the adult child of a narcissist means that you are frequently manipulated into spending time with or speaking to your narcissistic parent.

Sometimes there’s an element of hope, this time they’ll be different when you speak to them or see them.

But it’s always the same.

The time leading up to these times either speaking to them or seeing them, will be an anxious time. Like a weight hanging on you.

If they are visiting, you will feel that the house has to be very clean and tidy. You may spend weeks getting it nice for them, only for them to make a nasty comment about your choice of décor or the size of it.

After they leave you feel something like relief, they’re gone. But soon enough that anxiety comes back, when their next visit looms.

If you are visiting them, then you feel you have to look a certain way and watch what you’re saying.

You’re allowed boundaries and privacy, you doubt they will they respect that, you’re focused on how you’ll steer the conversation if it’s gets difficult.

Then there’s the concern that something you say upsets them, and you’re not even aware what it is.

The relationship is ruled by fear, obligation and guilt.

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Originally published at https://comebackbrighter.com on January 24, 2023.