How Does a Narcissist Set You Up to Fail?

Undermining confidence

A narcissist never wants you to be confident.

If you become confident, you may realise how they’ve been treating you and break free. And, in breaking free, live your life without their toxic influence and be happy.

So, it is in their interests to undermine your confidence at every opportunity.

Someone raised by a narcissistic parent, especially the scapegoat, will be someone with no confidence. No confidence in their abilities, or their character.

The narcissist never forgets their agenda: to be better than you (and everyone else for that matter!), to feel superior.

So, when you are lacking in confidence, you are smaller than them, less than them.

The more you lack in confidence, the more power it gives them, because they do have the confidence. They have also manipulated you into feeling this lack of confidence.

At every opportunity, instead of encouraging and supporting you, a narcissist will undermine you.

Sometimes it is very clever, this undermining is couched as concern, for your well-being or for your limited capabilities (as far as they’re concerned anyway).

People raised by narcissists, or in close contact with narcissists, will suffer from social anxiety, shyness, lack of confidence, no self-esteem, no boundaries, people pleasing, not being able to say no and feeling used by people.

Don’t want you to be happy

A narcissist doesn’t want you to be happy or successful, or whatever it is that you want.

As they are jealous, bitter, angry people, they are deeply miserable and not capable of being happy themselves. So, when other people are happy, for whatever reason, they have to tear them down.

If they can destroy your happiness, for a while it gives them some satisfaction because you are suffering like they do all the time.

Should a narcissist take a moment for introspection, they might find out the reasons for their misery. However, they are afraid of looking inside, in case they see something they don’t want to see.

They could do things to make themselves happy, however they won’t. They are too lazy, too entitled, and it is beneath them.

So, instead they get their momentary satisfaction from bringing other people down. When they tear them down, they lift themselves up, even just for a moment.

This applies in all aspects of your life, your career, your relationships, your finances, in everything.

Mistakes are bad

When you are involved with a narcissist mistakes become dangerous.

The narcissist makes you feel that your very survival depends on them. And that dependence is very fragile and can be under threat even from simple or small mistakes.

A mistake could cost you your life.

It doesn’t take long to realise how bad making a mistake is, when you’re involved with a narcissist. Their reaction, after you’ve done something they think is wrong (even if you don’t know what it is!) will tell you very clearly.

They react in the extreme, either with a rage filled shouting attack, or with the silent treatment, or a combination of the two.

There is no consideration for a child raised by a narcissist, of the process of growing, learning and developing, and how mistakes are a part of this.

So, they become terrified of doing the wrong thing, which can lead to inaction, not being able to do anything, or a panic reaction, just doing anything in the hope that it’s not wrong.

A narcissist will also arbitrarily decide what is a mistake or not. And then they get to be judge and jury on whether you are ‘guilty’ of the mistake or not.

All past mistakes will be used against you by a narcissist, as some sort of proof of what a flawed and failed human being you are. They will bring them up in every argument or discussion and relish the hurt that it inflicts on you.

The way that a narcissist can hurt you the most, will be to remind you of your mistakes or your failures. This is because there is still some pain there for you, and the narcissist will seek to exploit this.

A narcissist knows what hurts you because you tell them!

In moments of vulnerability, when you think they are what you want them to be, you confide in them. And then they use this information against you, to hurt you over and over.

And because they watch you very carefully, and know you very well, they can see when someone hurts you.

When you are constantly blamed (scapegoated) for the problems in the relationship, you take the blame.

Then, when you make a mistake, a narcissist uses this as ‘proof’ of how bad you are. It’s all your fault, and the mistake is their evidence of it.

No safe/secure place at home

Home is not a safe place when there is a narcissist living there.

When there is no safety and security, there is no growth because the fear of making mistakes is bigger than the desire (or ability) to grow.

For the children of a narcissist, the safety net of a secure and loving home is not there. And they fear that they will fail and fall.

It’s not just about fearing such things as academic failure, or inability to achieve something. It’s about the deep fear of not being cared for if the child should hurt themselves or be ill.

Narcissists are all about themselves. They care for no-one.

Their child knows immediately of their narcissistic parent’s disapproval, whatever they do. Even if they are ill, the narcissist would make it clear that they are not happy, or willing to look after them.

However, some narcissistic parents thrive from their child’s illness.

Not because they want to look after and nurture their child, but because they want attention from people. So, whilst they are moaning, and martyring themselves for their child, behind closed doors they will be reluctant or refuse to care for their child.

No unconditional love or approval

The narcissist’s family is not a place of love and approval.

Each family member, including the narcissist’s partner, are fighting their other family members for the ‘love’ of the narcissist.

This ‘love’ is reserved for one family member at a time and based purely on whether that person has reflected well on the narcissist. In the meantime, the rest of the family are scrambling to get that ‘love’.

A narcissist uses their love and approval as the ultimate and unobtainable reward. Each family member strives to earn their love, and it’s never quite enough, it will never be enough.

Feeling the love and approval of a mother and a father, and from their siblings is impossible within a narcissistic family.

When the family is competing for the narcissists love, it means that they turn on each other. They fight dirty to try to be the one that can feel safe within the narcissist’s love.

Each family member is out for themselves and focused on the narcissist.

The narcissistic parent relishes the power and control that this gives them. They use their love and approval as a weapon against all their family members.

Don’t want you being ‘better’ than them

A narcissist feels that they are better than everyone else, they have a deep sense of superiority.

They can not have anyone else being better than them, in any way, but most especially in the things that they value the most.

For example, a narcissistic parent that does not have a university education will not want their child to have a university education. So, they sabotage them.

It also stems from a sense of competition that they have, even with their own child. So, the narcissistic parent will always have to feel superior, even if it means tearing down their own child.

A narcissist dominates those around them, they have to feel superior in some way or other.

This could be shown through their academic achievements, their finances, their intelligence, their ability as a parent, whatever they value.

They will choose to be around people who make them look good, so they might surround themselves with people who are intelligent, because they feel it reflects well on them. Or they may choose to be with people who they think are not so intelligent, because then they can lord it over them.

As a part of this tearing you down, a narcissist will belittle, sneer at, laugh at or disregard anything you’ve done. Or else they’ll claim that it was easy, or you must have cheated in some way.

No investment in things you are good at or enjoy

A narcissist will set you up to fail because they will sabotage the things that you enjoy or are good at.

They might be very clever about how they do this, and couch their sabotage as concern, or tell you that they can’t afford it. Or tell you that you have no skill at it, and it’s not worth it.

So, you are not able to grow and develop at this particular thing, because the narcissist is sabotaging your attempts.

There are many ways that the narcissist sets you up to fail, they actively sabotage you at every opportunity.

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