How Do I Protect My Children from a Narcissistic Grandparent?
It is extremely important to protect your children from narcissists.
The closer the link a child has with a narcissist, the greater chance that that child will suffer abuse. It also means that they have an enormous risk of narcissistic abuse becoming their normal which may affect their entire lifetime.
There is only one way to truly protect a child from narcissistic abuse, and that is to ensure that there is no-one in their lives who is narcissistic.
However, when you are raised by a narcissistic parent, or strongly influenced by a narcissistic family member, it can be very difficult to identify narcissistic abuse.
Therefore, it is very difficult to protect your children from them.
When it comes to narcissistic family members, the first thing is to validate your own experiences with them. If you are asking the question, ‘Are they narcissistic?’, this is a strong indicator that they are.
Here is my blog ’10 Questions to Help You Identify Narcissistic Personality Disorder’ which may help you:
and my quiz, ‘Narcissist or not?’ :
https://comebackbrighter.com/narcissist-or-not-quiz-2/
It’s a process working through identifying the narcissistic abuse that you have suffered, and working up to taking the steps to protect yourself.
However, it is even more important when it comes to your children. They are so vulnerable to narcissistic abuse; it can easily become the foundation of their childhood.
Once it has been set as the foundation, it can infect the rest of their lives.
If narcissistic abuse is their normal, they attract (and are attracted by) narcissistic friends, partners, bosses, colleagues, everyone in their life.
It does take time, mainly to validate yourself and your experiences of narcissistic abuse.
This is a result of the narcissistic abuse itself, you are conditioned to invalidate and question yourself, blame yourself and take all responsibility for any issues in the relationship.
It can feel impossible to free yourself from a narcissist.
Afterall they’ve set things up, so you feel helpless and hopeless. As a result, you remain stuck with them and the longer they can continue to abuse you.
However, breaking free is the only way to protect your children.
Don’t expect that the narcissist will make it easy for you. They don’t want you to take away their precious supply, their grandchildren.
Children are excellent source of attention and energy for a narcissist.
They are vulnerable and naïve. A narcissist relishes manipulating them and using their power and control over them.
Children love without condition, which is gift to be cherished.
However, a narcissistic grandparent will take this love and crush it and relish the hurt that they cause.
A child raised by a narcissistic parent, doesn’t necessarily realise that they’ve been raised this way. So, the adult with unhealed and unrecognised issues from narcissistic abuse, will unwittingly enable their parent’s abuse of their children.
In some cases, sometimes without realising it, they may use their own child to protect themselves from their narcissistic parent.
Other narcissistic parents will deliberately offer up their child to the narcissist, using their own child to shield themselves from the narcissistic parent’s abuse.
A narcissistic grandparent uses their grandchildren’s love for them to abuse them.
The love they have for their grandparent is exploited.
A narcissistic grandparent will make their grandchild feel responsible for their emotional or physical condition. The child will be manipulated into doing whatever their grandparent wants, because the child wants them to be happy or well.
Furthermore, a grandchild’s need for their grandparent’s love is used against them too.
Love is conditional with a narcissist, something to be earned. A grandchild will spend their lifetime trying to earn their grandparent’s love.
The narcissistic grandparent keeps this love and approval always unobtainable, just out of reach,.
Of course, the narcissist doesn’t explain this is the situation.
Instead, they make their grandchild feel that it’s their fault that their grandparent doesn’t love them. It’s done so cleverly and so subtly, it’s very difficult to identify.
Therefore, their grandchild is on a constant quest to attain their grandparent’s love. As a consequence, they think that the next thing they do to please their grandparent will be the thing that pleases them enough to earn the reward of their love.
However, nothing is ever good enough, no gift, no partner, no career, no friends, no money, no material possessions and certainly not their grandchild themselves.
For the narcissist, it is a game, ensuring that their love is never earnt.
For a grandchild, it is heartbreak, wondering what they’ve done to not deserve their grandparent’s love.
Love is a weakness to be exploited, as far as a narcissist is concerned.
The narcissist’s behaviour is very confusing to a child, they never know where they stand, or feel any security in the relationship.
This is exactly how the narcissist wants them to feel, unsure, always trying to please the narcissist, and entirely focused on them.
Nothing else will matter to a child as much as earning their grandparent’s love.
Without even being aware of it, it will dictate many of their life decisions, even down to the little things that they say or do.
Your relationship with your child will suffer, because the narcissist has to make sure that they are number one and only.
A narcissistic grandparent will do everything that they can to undermine your relationship with your child. All your rules and boundaries will be broken and the narcissist will spoil their grandchild.
What is more, they will expect their grandchild to choose them over you.
There will come a day when the narcissist asks their grandchild to choose. It may not be an overt question, but a series of small things, to ensure that they are your child’s priority.
It’s a battle. But you may be completely unaware of the dirty tricks that the narcissist is using against you, your child and your relationship.
PLEASE DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE THE DAMAGE THAT A NARCISSIST CAN DO TO YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR CHILD.
There is a chance that when your child reaches certain ages, and developmental stages, that the narcissist will begin to distance themselves.
As the child learns to say no, and wants to assert their own individuality, the narcissist won’t like it.
What the narcissist wants is a child that is easily controllable and manipulable. But when that child starts to say no, or not immediately be manipulated, the narcissist fears that they are losing control.
To reassert their control, a narcissistic grandparent will punish their grandchild by the silent treatment or angry outbursts (or both).
The expectation is that their grandchild will be terrified by the idea of losing the potential to earn their grandparent’s love and fall back into line. Consequently, the narcissist has regained their power and control over them.
Sometimes the narcissistic grandparent will realise that they won’t regain the power and control they seek. As a result, they will discard their grandchild, walk away from them forever, leaving their grandchild confused and heartbroken.
People are tools to a narcissist, things to be used and thrown away when they don’t serve anymore.
This applies especially to their family members.
Once someone doesn’t fulfil whatever the narcissist requires of them, the narcissist will cut off from them.
There’s no love from a narcissist, no deep emotional connection, because they are incapable of compassion and considering anyone else. So, they can just walk away.
Like a tornado that comes in and wrecks everything, this is what a narcissist will do in your life and your children’s lives.
And it’ll be up to you, and only you, to try to salvage what you can for yourself, your children and your relationships.
The only answer, is to cut a narcissistic grandparent out of your life, and the life of your child as soon as possible. And to hope that the damage hasn’t gone too deep.
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