How Can You Identify if Someone is Toxic for You?

7 min readMar 31, 2023

It can be difficult to spot toxicity, especially when it involves someone with narcissistic personality disorder.

Often, being raised by a narcissistic parent you are habituated to toxic behaviours. This can make it even more difficult to identify.

Spending time with them is a let down

There can be some excitement when you are thinking of spending time with this person. You want to see them, spend time with them.

Sometimes you can get carried away imagining how wonderful it’s going to be, the things you’ll do together and how much fun it will be.

But when you do spend time with them, it’s not quite as good as you thought it was going to be.

Sometimes you can’t identify exactly what is off, but there is something that doesn’t feel quite right. It’s as if they are distracted or their heart isn’t quite in it.

Other times the whole time they seem to be angry about something, but they won’t tell you what it is.

You blame yourself, maybe you said something or did something that displeased them.

After they’ve gone, you analyse everything that happened. You briefly consider the good, your focus is on the bad things that you go over and over and over again until you’re exhausted.

It must have been something you said or did.

Maybe you find that your sleep is affected, it’s difficult to get enough rest when your mind is turning.

Perhaps your unhealthy coping methods surface again, for example you comfort eat or have a couple of drinks to help.

Then it all happens again- you start romanticizing about them again.

It’ll be so wonderful when you see them, it’ll be all the things that you hope and dream of.

It’s like a constant cycle of hope, then sadness and disappointment.

You’re confused over their behaviour

Being with someone who’s toxic is very confusing.

Sometimes they seem to want the same things as you, a decent, loving and supportive relationship. These times are the best — you cherish them. They keep you going during the difficult times.

Other times they are cold, distant or angry, as if they don’t care about you.

These times are very painful. During these times, you cling onto the good times you’ve has together, hoping that things will change soon.

Their words don’t match their actions.

They say they love you, care for you, support you, whatever you want to hear.

But their actions are so different. They don’t act like they love, care or support you when you need it.

There’s no reason either for the times when they are cold, it makes no sense. And as much as you try to work it out, how you can fix things, make things better, nothing works.

They expect you to know what you’ve done wrong, like it’s obvious. But you don’t know what it is, as much as you analyse everything you said and did.

Then just as quickly as they went cold, they are back to being their best selves again.

It’s never sorted out, you never know what it was all about. But one thing is, you don’t ever want them to be back to their cold/angry selves again.

This leads you to be always on the watch about everything that you say or do.

A part of you fears them

You’re afraid of them- they are unpredictable and erratic.

However, it’s not a feeling that you are consciously aware of. It’s like something you fall into without realising what it is and never take the time to see what it’s all about.

When you think they’ll be their good selves, they are in bad mood about something.

You do everything you can to please them, compromising yourself and making sacrifices for them. But it never seems like enough for them.

Everything you do, they make you feel like it’s not good enough.

Perhaps there’s a little part of you that thinks that you are not good enough for them. And them acting like it confirms this belief.

But instead of seeing that it’s them that’s the issue, you think that it’s your fault. It must be something that you’re doing wrong.

There’s a desperation to work out what it wrong and fix it.

This leads to anxiety, sadness, overwhelm, depression, over-thinking, catastrophising, unhealthy coping mechanisms, stress, sleep problems and confidence issues.

Other relationships suffer as a result because all your energy goes into this person without you even realising it.

Family members and friends feel rejected and ignored as you focus all of you onto this person. Some relationships may not last, people start to turn from you, as you shifted all your energy.

Your children may suffer as a result, resenting you for ignoring them, but still your focus is on the other person.

There will be no sympathy or understand from the other person.

They will relish you having problems and your relationships fracturing. They want you alone and reliant on them. In fact, they may add to the issues on purpose, to create an even bigger divide.

There’s never any communication with them, no real discussions about what it going on to sort out any issues in your relationship.

You might have issues with them and their behaviour, but you soon learn that it’s not work bringing it up.

Unpredictable behaviour and rows over nothing

Previously you might have raised some issues that you have with them.

You expected a conversation and a way to work through them so that you are both satisfied.

Instead, it turned into a huge row, they accused you of some terrible things, blamed you, insulted you and then punished you with the silent treatment.

Your issue was never sorted out, and nor did you ever understand why they reacted so excessively.

It’s confusing, especially when you are blamed, you want to understand so that you can change, and make sure it doesn’t happen again.

At other times you don’t know where the row comes from, what started it, or even what it was all about.

It plays out the same but it’s over something different each time.

They might scream and shout, and then punish with the silent treatment, or just be cold and silent. But you feel their anger.

As much as you try to work out what went wrong, it all remains a mystery.

It’s awful to you to think that you caused them any hurt, you want to understand but you never do.

They are judgemental of you

You feel their judgement over every aspect of your life.

If they are visiting you, the house must be spotless.

But even if it is they’ll probably find something wrong with it. Something beyond your control usually, like it’s very small.

You’re considering a career or job change, but you fear how they’ll take it.

They might be ok about it, if it’s something that they can brag about, or makes them look good. If it doesn’t reflect well on them, they’ll discourage you sometimes without you even realising it.

Your appearance is very important to them.

It might be something as simple as a new haircut, but you’ll want their approval of it.

They won’t care about your feelings if they don’t think your appearance makes them look good. They’ll expect you to do something about it.

Your preferences, desires or wishes are not taken into consideration, it’s all about how it will affect them.

One sided relationship

The relationship is one sided, it’s all about them getting whatever they want. It might not even occur to you, that that’s how the relationship is.

As soon as you raise an issue or expect something of them, they’ll be angry.

Their anger may be expressed differently, screaming shouting and/or cold behaviour, but it’s anger the same.

It’s disgusting to them that you should think you are equal in the relationship.

You support them, you love them, you care for them.

But sadly, you don’t get any of these things from them.

There’s no support, emotional, financial, practical support from them, but they’ll expect it all from you. Even if it means that you and the people you love suffer for it.

Conclusion

Being in a relationship with a toxic person, means that you are focused more on what you hope or want them to be than the reality.

Their behaviour is not loving or caring towards you but they say that they love and care for you.

You believe that they are the person you want them to be and cling on to that.

That hope is what keeps you in the relationship.

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