How a Narcissistic Parent Makes Their Child a People-Pleaser

3 min readNov 30, 2018

A young child in a narcissistic family soon learns that their purpose is to keep the narcissistic parent stable.

The child knows subconsciously that they depend on their parent for their survival, and without even basic needs met the child won’t survive.

They know we want their love and approval

A narcissistic parent knows that their child desires their love and approval.

A parent should love their child unconditionally from birth, but a toxic parent uses this to their advantage. They make us reliant on them for everything, but worst of all, our sense of being worthy.

Seek value from others

Coming from a toxic family means that we seek from others our sense of value.

We seek from outside the things that we should find within. This leads to us becoming people-pleasers.

Being a people-pleaser

Being an adult with a narcissistic parent, it becomes a lifelong habit pleasing those around us: bosses, friends, lovers, acquaintances.

Each time we compromise ourselves builds resentment, principally at those we compromise for, but really at ourselves. We know that it isn’t right.

They’ll never approve or be happy

A narcissist knows to never approve or to never be happy with what others do because then they lose their position of power.

Constantly telling others that they are not good enough keeps them wanting to earn their approval.

Everything will be picked apart by a narcissist because when they do this, they let us know we still haven’t got their approval.

Goalposts move

Sometimes a narcissistic parent will appear to tell their child what it is that they want.

Then when the child does this, the parent finds fault with it. The goalposts constantly move, this is another tactic for keeping their children on tenterhooks and seeking their approval.

People-pleasing infects all adult relationships

Of course, throughout life people-pleasing can be perpetuated, as abusers see a target for their abuse.

There will always be people who want to take advantage of another’s desire to please.

It means that until stopped the habit of people- pleasing will infect all adult relationships and, in the majority of cases, lead to hurt and upset as abusive people reveal their agenda.

It is not possible to please everyone, it’s a waste of time and energy.

Respect yourself

The only person you should seek to please is yourself.

It doesn’t make you selfish.

It means that you respect yourself to not compromise yourself for others and it means that others will respect you for this.

Treat yourself as you expect others to treat you.

Learn to say ‘no’

Putting other people first does not have to be the habit of a lifetime.

You can turn it around, whether your people pleasing is with family, children, friends or your job or all of them.

Start by taking small steps, say ‘no’ to small things, and doing so will give you the confidence to say ‘no’ to the big things.

People around you will be shocked at first, but they’ll either adjust if they will respect you or not. If you treat yourself right, then those around you will start to respect you too.

You are responsible for you

You have a responsibility to yourself first.

No-one can look after you like you can.

You have the right to rest when you are tired or ill, to be grumpy sometimes, to be happy, you have the right to whatever emotions you are experiencing.

No-one else can or should look after you or be responsible for your emotional or physical state.

Please look after yourself. Stop compromising yourself for others. It’s tough going at first but keep at it, it will be worth it in the long run.

If you have any questions please drop me a comment or email me at clarecomebackbrighter@gmail.com.

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