How a Narcissist Exploits Your Ups and Downs

Clare Lane

4 min readJul 5, 2019

Life is a series of ups and downs.

The expectation is that your parent will support you during the tough times and celebrate the great times with you.

How a narcissistic parent is different

This is not possible for a narcissistic parent because they don’t want you to feel supported and loved, or to be happy.

Their agenda…..

A narcissistic parent’s agenda is to bring you down, if they do this successfully then it brings them up.

Seek from others what they can’t provide for themselves

They lack the ability to provide their own sense of peace or love and seek this from others. It is something that others cannot provide for them. However, a narcissist will spend their lifetime taking from others and never be satisfied.

Happiness turned sour

There is a general pattern with a narcissist, they seek to destroy others happiness. Their jealousy makes them vindictive; they feel they are the only ones that deserve to be happy. So, no matter the reason for your happiness, they will turn it sour.

Stressful times exploited

Likewise, in times of stress, a narcissist will endeavour to make it worse. They don’t want you to feel better, they thrive on the negative drama and relish the attention.

Therefore, stressful times for you are something for them to exploit.

Improve their image

It is the chance to build up their image by appearing to be a caring parent, by sharing with others your situation, be it happy or stressful. No matter if it is a private matter, a narcissist will use it to bolster their precious image.

A chance to be a martyr

It offers the opportunity for the narcissist to be a martyr, they turn things around so its about them. Moreover, it gives them the chance to get attention from you, make you feel guilty and keep you in line. It all gets twisted, so you end up supporting your parent whilst it is you that needs it.

And, of course, being a martyr gives a narcissist a great image boost to others.

An opportunity for drama

Either a stressful time or a happy time can be exploited for drama and attention a narcissist needs.

They can get this attention either from you, or from others concerned. The more attention they get, the greater the kick they get, so the narcissist will draw others in.

Stress with the in-laws

Like many others, I thought my parents supported me, so in stressful or happy times I turned to them.

On one occasion, I was going through some stress with my in-laws.

There was huge drama, unfortunately whilst we were all staying together which made it all much more intense.

I spoke to my father every day during this time because I thought he was supporting me.

All I really wanted was a sounding board, and he was clever. He never directly advised me, because then it could have come back on him.

What he was doing was very subtle, he would drop hints, insinuations, which would wind me up and make me react to my in-laws. He knew their characters well enough to know their buttons, and then sent me off to press them.

The whole situation was one of the most stressful of my life. Now I wonder how much easier it would have been had I not shared so much with my father.

On our engagement

My husband and I were together for a long time before we got engaged. When we got engaged, we kept it secret for a while until we went away for my birthday with my parents.

That evening, just before going out, we told my parents.

My mother was delighted.

My father’s reaction was ‘well, if that’s what you want.’

It was like he had taken a pin and popped my balloon of happiness.

And this was the pattern for my whole life. Every time I was happy, he had to destroy it.

An idea to help….

One way to avoid your narcissistic parent exploiting your situation is to not share it with them.

If they offer no real support, love or celebration then there is little point. And this can apply to big things or little things.

In short, everything you tell them, gives them the opportunity to hurt you. So, being selective about what you share lessens the chance of being hurt by them.

If you have any questions please drop me a comment or email me at clarecomebackbrighter@gmail.com.

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