How a Narcissist Behaves (Part one)

7 min readNov 25, 2022

It was so hard, when I first realised about narcissistic personality disorder, to be able to pinpoint the actual narcissistic behaviours of my father.

This made it very difficult for me to validate myself and my experiences with him. Which, in turn, lead to a lot of second-guessing, over-thinking and self-doubt. This is something which hindered my healing process, for a long while I was stuck, going nowhere.

However, with time I learnt to trust myself more, grew in confidence and realised the truth about my parents.

My father was not the kind of narcissist who was overtly angry, he never raged and rarely raised his voice. He didn’t have to. I feared him because he used his facial expressions, tone of voice and body language instead to intimidate and overpower.

In this series of blogs, I will discuss some of the ways a narcissist behaves. It is by no means, a comprehensive list, but it’s a good start!

Don’t say please or thank you

A narcissist feels it is beneath them to have to ask someone to do something with a ‘please’ or to express gratitude with a ‘thank you’ once they’ve done it.

It makes them feel that in some way they are beholden to someone else, dependent on them. It may also make them feel in some way inferior because they cannot do it.

When I searched ‘why do we say please or thank you’ the first thing that came up was that it sets the listener on the same level as the speaker.

Narcissists always seek to feel superior, even in this little way they show that they cannot relent and ‘stoop down’ to someone else’s level. Even when they want or need help.

There is also the assumption on the part of the narcissist that the other person will just do as they ask and not expect any appreciation.

Conversely, they expect please and thank you from other people.

Especially gratitude, other people will be expected to pay back whatever the narcissist did for them many times over. It will also be used to manipulate, used against the other person to get them to do what the narcissist wants.

Anything from a narcissist, be it things, time or money, will always come with expectations from the narcissist. Most of the time it’s not worth how much will have to be paid back.

Don’t ask for anything directly

Narcissists never want to ask anyone for anything, they don’t want to appear dependent on others, or incapable. It makes them feel inferior.

Instead, they will hint, suggest, get someone else to ask or expect others to be mind-readers.

If the other person doesn’t get the idea, then the narcissist will get angry and frustrated.

To a narcissist, other people are exactly like them, so others are expected to be able to determine what the narcissist wants without words. It’s obvious to the narcissist, so it should be obvious to other people.

Asking someone directly, gives the other person power. They have the power to say no.

The narcissist does not like this, the sensation of another person having power over them. So, they won’t ask directly, and then they avoid that uncomfortable feeling.

However, it can lead to problems for the narcissist, especially if the other person doesn’t pick up on the hints. The narcissist hopes that their anger will make it clear, their anger reasserts their control over the other person.

In some cases, the narcissist doesn’t get what they want, because they didn’t communicate clearly. But the narcissist would rather do without, than ever ask directly and feel that loss of power.

Don’t communicate

In the same way that a narcissist cannot ask for anything, directly, they are not honest about how they feel.

Instead, they will be passive-aggressive, it will be obvious that something is wrong but they will deny it. Their mood will affect everyone, like a black cloud.

Other people are expected to know what’s wrong, or what they’ve done wrong.

Not being open about how they feel, keeps those around them on high alert, ready to act, focused, with all their attention and energy on the narcissist. The narcissist relishes this power that this gives them.

A narcissist’s ego is very fragile and sensitive, it is easily hurt. When it is, the narcissist will react immediately. They are triggered, and instead of dealing with it themselves, will take it out on everyone else around them.

There will be times when a narcissist has a problem, it’s obvious, but other people never find out what it was all about. Those around the narcissist will assume that it’s their fault, they are to blame, and will seek to appease the narcissist even more. This gives the narcissist even more power and control, which is what a narcissist is all about.

Likewise, a narcissist will not be honest about their idea, plans or intentions.

They keep secrets, because then they have the advantage over other people. They know what the plan is, and that’s all that matters. All they have to do then is to manipulate other people into their plans.

A narcissist will always make sure that they are ok and these secrets are a part of it.

Don’t apologise

A narcissist may appear to apologise, but it will never be a sincere and heartfelt apology.

Instead, they may say ‘I wanted to apologise……’ but never actually say the words I’m sorry or I apologise. It sounds right, but something feels off, and that’s because they never actually apologised.

‘I’m sorry that…….’ ‘I’m sorry but…….’, after the ‘that’ or ‘but’ is an excuse, a justification or blaming it on the other person. This is not an apology, but it sounds like one.

Often, they can tell other people that they apologised, making them look good and the other person bad.

If they blame it on the other person, for example, for being too sensitive, then that is provocation. Once the other person reacts, then the narcissist will tell other people they were being reasonable, they apologised and it’s all the other person’s fault.

‘I’m sorry that…..’ then apologise for some tiny and insignificant thing that they did when they had done much, much worse.

Again, they’ve ‘apologised’, they’re trying to fix things, they’ll tell other people but it was just a token effort. If the apology is accepted, then the narcissist wins because they know it was a token. Should the other person not accept the apology, then more drama ensues. It’s win/win for the narcissist.

A true apology is taking responsibility for the issue or situation, making a sincere apology, asking for forgiveness, saying I love you and changing behaviour.

The narcissist’s apology will never be any of these things.

It can be so confusing when a narcissist apologises because it can sound right.

But what’s most important is the intention behind it, their agenda and how much of their heart is in it.

It’s all about them

Whatever the situation the narcissist will make it all about them.

They may want the spotlight on them, or they may control the situation by manipulating others in the situation.

Narcissists live for drama. They thrive off others attention and energy.

A parent will bathe in the glory of their child’s achievements. Not because of what their child’s hard work, but because of the narcissist’s connection with them. It’s THEIR child and they can get a great deal of attention from it.

It also feeds their image as a good parent. Their image is the most important thing to a narcissist.

If someone has a problem, the narcissist’s problems will be bigger. Or else the other person’s problems are belittled or disregarded with wise-cracks, or jokes.

There’s a situation, concerning other people, and it becomes about how the narcissist feels about it.

An illness or a death in the family, is the greatest opportunity for a narcissist.

Whilst everyone’s emotions are running high, it’s a sensitive time, and the time for maximum drama. This will be the time when they exploit the family rifts and jealousies to cause more drama, either focusing on them or by manipulating others into fights and arguments.

A narcissist does not have the ability to form emotional connections with others. This is why they can exploit another person’s illness or death, they don’t care, but want the attention and energy for themselves.

There is no emotional support from a narcissist.

Instead, the way that others rely on them will becomes the means by which the narcissist inflicts pain and hurt on them.

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