How a Narcissist Behaves Part 3

5 min readDec 2, 2022

The narcissist martyr

A narcissist with the martyr complex will suffer and sacrifice for others, to get attention and admiration.

It’s all about them getting attention and energy from other people.

However, whilst they think that they are selfless and giving, and act as such, they will expect something as a back for it.

It could be just recognition from the other person, or it could be something bigger like their time, possessions or money. And repayment could be demanded over and over, way in excess of the original deed of the narcissist.

Perhaps it feeds their image, and they expect it to be publicly acknowledged.

It is not selfless behaviour when the narcissist expects to get something back for it.

Martyr narcissistic parents

Some narcissistic parents will expect recognition and admiration for meeting the basic needs of their children. They feel like it makes them exceptional when they have to work to provide for their children or get up at night for a sick child.

The truth is, for the narcissist it IS a huge sacrifice, because it takes something from them.

When they spend on their child, they’re not able to spend on themselves. If they get up at night, they lose out on their sleep.

When the narcissist loses out in some way, it is a huge thing for them because everything is about them. They don’t really understand that as a parent these things are expected and normal. Even when they’re a parent, they still expect to be the only one, and the priority even over their infant child.

A normal parent who does these things, with no recognition, because they understand it’s normal for a parent.

Payback expected

For a narcissist, all these things are done with the expectation of some sort of payback from their child.

The specific expectations of each narcissist are different, but this payback will be expected for the lifetime of the narcissist and especially in their old age. Some might expect financial support, others help with chores, and others to live with their child to be cared for full time.

The child’s willingness, ability or capability to help in these ways is not a consideration. Their situation is not important to the narcissist, all that matters is what the narcissist wants.

The narcissist parent will use fear, guilt and obligation to manipulate their child into doing whatever they want.

Some narcissists will list the ways in which their child ‘owes’ them, which could include providing their basic needs such as food or shelter, or other things such as educational opportunities.

Superiority

To some narcissists being a martyr makes them superior to other people, as they shout about all the good things that they do. They are ‘better than’ other people because they do more good.

Often the other people are selfish and ungrateful for whatever the narcissist has done. Other people don’t deserve it.

It doesn’t matter what the other person actually does in gratitude, the narcissist will use is as the opportunity to seen as better than. It’s also the chance to smear that person to anyone who will listen to the narcissist.

There are often the narcissists who have careers in the caring professions, the health workers, counsellors or therapists. They get a lot of recognition and social standing for their job, and as it boosts their image it gives the narcissist what they need.

However, these narcissists do not have the compassion or empathy to be able to fulfil their role.

It’s not a vocation to a narcissist, it’s the opportunity to boost their ego and augment their image.

It’s about attention and energy

A narcissist will twist things, lie or exaggerate about whatever they’ve done. Sometimes the good acts that they claim, are actually the things that the person they are smearing has done.

The truth doesn’t matter to a narcissist, is it something fluid to them, something to twist to their advantage.

Sometimes a narcissist will deliberately take on a situation which is especially difficult or challenging. This serves them because the more they have to sacrifice, the more attention and energy they get from other people. It’s also an opportunity to create more drama, which is more attention for them.

Whoever they are helping, is not because the narcissist is kind-hearted, it’s because they want to use it against the other person or for their own gain.

It might be to feel superior, because they can help, the other person dependent on them. Or to tell others about it, how undeserving that person was, but the narcissist still helped them.

Passive-aggressive

Some martyrs are passive aggressive, they do these things but with such a bad temper it negates their ‘good’ act. Or else the thing they do, needs to be redone, because it was done so badly.

Whatever is the case, the narcissist still expects recognition, gratitude and payback for what they’ve done.

Narcissists watch other people, they see the dynamics and will use this information to their advantage.

When they see that someone gets attention or praise for doing things for others, they want some of that attention. They learn that doing for others earns them social approval, so they do it too.

Some narcissists will claim to be empaths, because they’ve seen the affect this has had on others. People assume that they are a good, caring person and it makes them much more likely to trust the narcissist, which is a dangerous thing to do. The narcissist will use that information against them.

However, even when they pretend that they’re an empath, it’s still all about them, how they suffer because of their empathy.

It’s always about the narcissist.

It’s never about the other person.

The narcissist with the martyr complex uses it to assert their superiority, manipulate others, get attention and energy from other people and to boost their image.

For more information there is also:

❓ Quick Question Ask me a question https://comebackbrighter.com/new-quick-question/

💟 Coaching Session & Coaching Packages SPECIAL INTRODUCTORY OFFER From ONLY 80 €

https://comebackbrighter.com/coaching-services/

😍 Patreon! 😍 Find out more here: https://www.patreon.com/clarelane

📖 I’m on Medium https://clarelane-comebackbrighter.medium.com/

👀 YouTube channel https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCJGGrJYny9EwmmcOuIjmKGw

🎥 My vlog: https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLAYiMpCKIO9iKxRthWbn6YEjyjVvQ-JXC

👂 My Google podcast https://podcasts.google.com/feed/aHR0cHM6Ly9hbmNob3IuZm0vcy80NmJlZmYzYy9wb2RjYXN0L3Jzcw

🔈 Apple podcasts https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/come-back-brighter/id1588224250

❓ Quora : https://www.quora.com/profile/Clare-Lane-12

✒️ Here are my blogs https://comebackbrighter.com/latest-blogs/