‘Honor your father and your mother……. ‘
(Exodus 20:12)
A narcissist will use whatever tools they can to control and manipulate others, especially their children.
The commandment found in Exodus 20:12, is the manipulation weapon of choice for those narcissistic parents that call themselves Christian.
‘Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you.’
To a narcissist it gives them the freedom to do whatever they want, whenever they want to their child. And as soon as the child expresses any sadness, frustration or anger, or questions their behaviour they can quote the commandment to silence their child.
It gives them an increased sense of power and control.
As far as a narcissistic parent is concerned, they never take responsibility for their actions. But with this bible verse, they feel it gives them even greater freedom to do as they wish.
It’s all about their child just blindly obeying them, even if it’s to the child’s own detriment. And if they don’t, using the bible as a threat.
To a child, hearing God’s commandments to honor thy parents and having a naïve understanding of heaven and hell can be terrifying. And a narcissistic parent will exploit this fear.
A narcissist thinks that they have God on their side, and this gives them an even greater sense of power and control.
They use the very word of God, to abuse their child and to continue doing so, even into adulthood.
A child raised by a narcissist parent feels that their parent has a great deal of power and control, even the power of life or death.
For a narcissist this is a chance to exploit their child’s fear and to garner more power. The fear of abandonment is very real for a child of a narcissist, and that abandonment means death. So, a child’s compliance means a greater chance of survival.
Whilst the narcissistic parent has the means of life or death over their child, God has the means of heaven or hell after death.
God is used by a narcissistic parent, He is used to further their own aims of power and control. Not just in this life, but after death as well.
A child may feel that they will go to hell, if they disagree with their narcissistic parent, or question them. This fear keeps them further under the control of their parent.
Their parent controls their life and can control what happens to them after they die. And the parent decides if they’ve been honoured enough or not by their child, they control their child’s fate.
As far as the narcissistic parent is concerned, they decide what happens not God. The narcissistic parent gets to be the judge.
A narcissistic parent uses the bible to abuse.
To a child a narcissistic parent is like a bad God, all bad attributes: The power of life and death in their hands, heaven and hell after death relies on them, all power and control held by them.
All the child sees are the punishments, the wrath of God, and none of the love.
The scapegoat child with a narcissistic parent, experiences an unfair, abusive, mean, spiteful, nasty, threatening and malicious parent.
For the child, this is what the narcissistic father makes God out to be.
God is used as a tool to scare and terrify their child.
There is none of God’s love, grace, mercy or forgiveness extended to the child by a narcissist parent. Nor are they encouraged to see God as any of these things for them.
In displaying grace, mercy and forgiveness, the narcissist loses their power and control. Once the child is no longer afraid of them, the narcissist has lost all their power.
A narcissist will fight to retain control of their child and do whatever they have to to keep things as they are. They will fight dirty and stoop to any low to keep power and control or to win.
None of these things are ever in the interests of the child.
A child is an ideal target for a narcissist’s abuse.
Younger children especially are easy to manipulate and control because they are naïve and trusting and love their parent. The deeper emotional connection a child has to their parent, the greater power and control it gives the narcissistic parent.
Older children are expected live out their parent’s dreams and wishes and to serve their parent.
Narcissists have children for subservience for their lifetime.
Children raised by a narcissist carry the fears of abandonment into adulthood, unless they are recognised and healed. So, these fears can continue for many, many years even after the child is no longer dependent on their parents.
Honor/honour
moral behavior or integrity
respect and admiration other people feel for somebody
something you feel proud of doing
(https://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english-french/honor)
Even the word honour itself brings up many meanings that are particularly appealing to a narcissist.
All they have to do is have a child, become a parent, to ‘deserve’ the honour.
They just have to have the biological ability to procreate and they are to be unquestionably treated with honour by their child. The bible itself says so, as far as they are concerned.
It automatically means that they have the advantage of having ‘moral behaviour or integrity’. This gives the narcissist’s already increased sense of superiority an extra boost.
Once again, it doesn’t depend on their actual behaviour.
Just that commandment alone, they think, gives them freedom to do exactly as they want. There’s no accountability to anyone, least of all to God.
They’ve earned this just by having a child.
Narcissists are entitled anyway but they feel even more entitled to be treated as if they have this ‘moral behaviour or integrity’ because it says so in the bible.
Respect and admiration are demanded by a narcissist, but most especially when they think it’s backed up by a commandment. It becomes an assumption, something not to be questioned by anyone least of all their own child.
Power and control form an essential part of the respect and admiration demanded by a narcissist.
For the child, this means fear.
But for the narcissist, it’s not fear, it’s the admiration and respect they feel entitled to.
If a child dares to question the narcissist, or express a different desire, they are accused of not being respectful. They are not allowed to be anything other than entirely subservient to the narcissist and if they’re not they are reminded of their duty to honour.
Narcissists need the admiration and respect of other people, it validates them and their existence.
Their children are expected to boost the image that the narcissist has of themselves, whatever that image might be. This is especially important to narcissists who value their image as good, Christian parents.
Narcissists expect that people will be convinced by this image that they have for themselves and it will earn them respect and admiration.
Children learn from a very early age, what is acceptable to their narcissistic parents. Afterall, their very survival depends on it.
Narcissists expect that their child should feel proud of having them as parents. And to treat them as such. Nothing else is acceptable to the narcissist.
Again, this is not dependent on the actions of the narcissistic parent. They’ve ‘earnt’ this just by being parents.
For the child, it’s not pride, it’s fear.
However, for the narcissist, they don’t care as long as they have the advantage.
‘A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.’
John 13:34
There’s a huge disconnect between the actions of a narcissist and the actions of a Christian.
Sadly, a narcissist does not love others.
They are not capable of it because they are too selfish, self-absorbed and lack compassion or care for others.
In fact, in many ways a narcissist could be seen as the contrary to the ways of Jesus.
So, whilst the narcissist uses the bible to serve their agenda, especially verses that mean that they be honoured, they are not interested in truly living as a Christian.
Christian narcissists are hypocrites.
Narcissists are all about making themselves look good, in whatever ways they have to, but without the consideration, deeper beliefs or understanding to fully carry it off.
Also, being seen as Christian, or attending church, seems to carry some social status.
Narcissists are always willing to do something that increases their social status. Going to church once a week, isn’t too much of an effort. It also gives them a whole new group of people to get attention from.
With a narcissistic parent, it’s not only being at church themselves, but their children too. The children must reflect well on their parents, by participating, or just by being good children, enough to provoke comments from other people.
There may be several verses which refer to honouring parents, but there are many more speaking against the traits and actions of a narcissist.
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Originally published at https://comebackbrighter.com on September 27, 2022.