Four Steps Forward and Ten Steps Back

4 min readFeb 15, 2019

Recovering from your parent’s narcissistic abuse is not something that it a quick process.

Toxicity is the normal

Spending your formative years in a highly toxic environment means that it takes longer to be able to see the abuse and then recognise the symptoms.

Toxicity is the ‘normal’ and it takes time to break this pattern. It is the reason why as adults you attract abusive people, they see you as a perfect target and it is what you are used to.

Frustration during the healing process

During my healing process, one of the greatest frustrations was that I would make great progress, then something would occur, and I would feel as if I had taken four steps forward only to take ten back again.

This is completely normal and a part of the process but very frustrating, nonetheless.

Not recognising my progress

A huge part of it is that I didn’t recognise the huge leaps I made and focused too much on those times that were a struggle.

Over the time I made progress but these difficulties made me feel that healing was never going to be possible, that I was fatally flawed and would never be able to live the life I thought was possible.

After the realisation of my parent’s narcissistic personality disorder, I gave myself a month to process this. My son was three at the time and reliant on me.

A month was not long enough, by a long way. I think that I came out of the worse of it after about 2 years. A lifetime of abuse cannot be healed in a month, I was 36 when I went no contact, I had 36 years of abuse to recognise and recover from.

The work of a lifetime

Healing from narcissistic abuse is not the work of a few weeks, or months, it is the work of a lifetime.

The first few years are most challenging because you are grieving, it is easier after this.

You have to be self-aware and courageous enough to deal with those emotions kept stuffed for your lifetime.

Even now, 3 years and 3 months into no contact and my healing journey I am still realising things, little things like the pieces of a jigsaw are finally fitting together.

The difficulties of self-care

The frustration that you feel during the healing process is also a symptom of the abuse because not having the ability to self-care means that you can’t give yourself the time or patience that you need.

Self-care is a difficult lesson to learn, but one that is absolutely fundamental to your future.

Without self-care, there are no basic protective measures, things that if you can nurture will protect you in the future.

The healing process involves some basic steps that are essential: validating your own experiences, grieving the parent(s) you thought you had, allowing yourself to express your emotions and recognising your own innate value as a human being.

Without each of these things, healing is not possible.

Getting stuck

It is possible to get stuck in a rut, unable to progress and getting frustrated but there is a reason for this.

It is to get you ready for the next stage of healing, some downtime to recuperate and come to term with things.

There is no way that you could handle the entire process in one go, but there are things that can help you move forward and get out of your own way.

No contact with my whole family

When I went no contact with my parents in 2015, I didn’t know that within a year I would be no contact with my entire family.

If I had known that at the time I doubt very much that I could have handled the devastation.

Within another 6 months, I had low contact with my mother-in-law and no contact with my brother-in-law.

So, within 18 months of my realisation, I was effectively no contact with my entire family and my husband’s too.

It happened in stages because it was the best way for me and it is the same with your healing, it happens slowly because these are big things that are shifting.

Do not underestimate the amount of work required to heal from narcissistic abuse.

These patterns of behaviour go deep because they were formed in your childhood.

There are no quick fixes, though there are some exercises you can do to help yourself move through the validation stage and deal with the guilt easier.

No quick fixes

This is the greatest challenge of your life, and you have the choice to fight to save your life and future or be the permanent victim of your parents.

Any effort that you make now will pay off hugely for the rest of your life, you will benefit as well as your family of choice.

If you have any questions please drop me a comment or email me at clarecomebackbrighter@gmail.com.

For more information there is also:

😍 Patreon! 😍 Find out more here: https://www.patreon.com/clarelane

💟 Coaching Session & Coaching Packages SPECIAL INTRODUCTORY OFFER

From ONLY 80 €

👊 POWER hour https://comebackbrighter.com/power-hour-session/

👊👊👊 POWER Package https://comebackbrighter.com/power-package/

💖 Heart Coaching Package https://comebackbrighter.com/heart-healing-package/

💻 More information on my website https://comebackbrighter.com/

⭐️ Narcissist or Not? QUIZ https://comebackbrighter.com/narcissist-or-not-quiz/

✒️ Here are my blogs https://comebackbrighter.com/latest-blogs/