Forgiving Yourself
I understand that this is a challenging topic for a lot of people who have suffered narcissistic abuse.
However, for the purposes of this blog I will only be referring to self-forgiveness. I believe that this is an essential part of the healing process.
Forgiveness in the family
Coming from a narcissistic family, forgiveness is not something that is ever demonstrated.
The narcissist gets too much power and control from not forgiving and keeping their family members in a state of perpetual fear.
Every mistake is remembered, and then used against you whenever it suits the narcissist.
They keep a list of everything you’ve ever done wrong, updating it whenever anything new occurs, a laundry list of grudges against you.
These could also be things you’ve said or done that have hurt the narcissist’s fragile ego, and of which you are completely unaware.
Each time you are reminded of these ‘crimes’ against the narcissist, it sparks shame.
It is the deep discomfort of this shame that makes you concede to the narcissist. They, once again, have manipulated you into doing whatever they want.
So, in fact, the narcissistic family is an example of how a lack of forgiveness, or even basic understanding or respect, is used to abuse.
Within a loving and supportive home, mistakes are learning experiences, not the opportunity to apportion blame and cause shame. And they are forgotten.
This is why it is so difficult to begin the process, or even think about, forgiving ourselves.
It is so far from your experience, so far out of your comfort zone.
Don’t forget, it’s not just narcissistic parents that use your mistakes to abuse, they set the foundation for the rest of your life.
It’s also narcissistic friends, partners, colleagues, bosses, who use your mistakes to abuse.
It’s a toxic pattern.
There will never be a single narcissist, or toxic person who will demonstrate forgiveness.
However, they will expect you to forgive them, or at least forget whatever crap they’ve put you through. And if you ever raise it again because it was never sorted to your satisfaction you are rehashing the past, unable to forget, or over sensitive.
I believe that forgiving yourself is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself.
Isn’t not forgiving yourself just abusing yourself like they used to?
They don’t need to abuse you, you’re doing it yourself. And suffering a huge amount as a result.
These mistakes you need to forgive yourself for could be decades old. What a weight to carry around with you.
It can feel like an unsurmountable challenge, to forgive yourself. Too far removed from where you are now.
However, just being open to the possibility of forgiving yourself is a huge step forward.
Accept that it’s going to feel very strange, extending to yourself forgiveness, because it’s something you’ve never done before.
A part of you might feel that because it feels so strange that it’s wrong.
Changing a pattern of behaviour is scary because it is so unfamiliar but it’s where the greatest healing lies.
Imagine giving up those burdens you’ve carried for years or decades.
I am sure that you’ve forgiven others for their mistakes and been understanding towards them. Can you extend the same kindness to yourself?
If you are a parent, I am sure that you’ve forgiven your child for something that they’ve done or a mistake that they’ve made. Can you extend that same understanding and love to yourself?
There are many ways that you can look after yourself.
It’s not just about the basics like making sure you take enough rest, eat well or do the things you love.
It’s about loving yourself enough to heal and unburden yourself of things that happened so long ago.
The longer you go, without forgiving yourself, or even opening to the possibility of it, the longer you are suffering.
You are so used to suffering, you were made to suffer as a child, and that toxic foundation can be the thing that infects your entire adult life. You carry around suffering and it is so familiar, it feels like an intrinsic part of you.
Recently I got stuck in a pattern of suffering without even realising it. It’s like the default setting.
However, recognising it for what it was has been the starting point of me realising the depth of suffering I feel I must experience. That I have felt that I have to be punished, just for being me.
It’s a practice, forgiving yourself. There probably won’t be a huge shift overnight.
However, being open to it, is a huge step forward.
I believe it liberates you because forgiveness replaces the blame and shame we feel.
Blame and shame have been ever present, from your birth.
If you can replace those sentiments of shame, about anything and whenever it comes up, with the desire to offer yourself forgiveness, I believe it will be life changing.
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Originally published at https://comebackbrighter.com on May 3, 2022.