Fear, Obligation and Guilt- The Narcissists Manipulation Tools of Choice

Guilt is the narcissist’s ultimate manipulation tool. They know exactly how to exploit it in order to get what they want out of us.

Guilt is a very familiar feeling

As a child of a narcissist, you can expect to feel guilty in every interaction or possible interaction. It is a feeling that is very familiar and something that keeps us very close to our abusive parents.

Guilt serves a good natural purpose, it keeps us from repeating behaviours that hurt ourselves and others.

The narcissist uses guilt to manipulate

When dealing with a narcissist, however, they have installed an over-active and over-sensitive guilt function in us. They know exactly the ways to manipulate us, be it concerns over their health, old age or their loneliness. Every conversation becomes an opportunity to guilt us into submission and into doing exactly as they wish.

They parentify us

A narcissistic parent manipulates us into feeling entirely responsible for them, in a role shift. We are made to feel responsible for their state of health, relationships, friendships and life. So, we feel a sense of obligation to them. Narcissistic parents make us feel we are ultimately responsible for their happiness (or not).

We compromise ourselves

Guilt and obligation make a toxic combination. These two manipulation tactics mean that we compromise ourselves for our narcissistic parent. Life becomes about appeasing the narcissistic parent, to make life easier for ourselves (or so we think). It becomes a power rush for the narcissist. They constantly test us to see exactly how far we compromise ourselves and our lives for them.

A childhood of fear

A childhood with a narcissistic parent is a childhood full of fear. We soon learn that life with a narcissist is changeable, unpredictable and at times dangerous. As children we know that to be abandoned is to die, so we find means of surviving. We learn to compromise ourselves for our toxic parent.

…. continues into adulthood

The fear continues into adulthood, as the childhood fear is never truly addressed. It makes the obligation and guilt we already feel a toxic trio. The fear, obligation and guilt (FOG) keeps us in contact with our narcissistic parent for longer than we should.

The fear they don’t love us

Some of the fear comes from addressing the issue that our narcissistic parent does not really love us. We fear that they will abandon us if we don’t continue playing our role. We realise that their love is conditional, as they have made clear our entire lives. So we rely on them because they tell us that they are the only ones that care. They isolate us from family and friends so we have an unhealthy attachment to them.

Time is the greatest healer when it comes to processing the inevitable fear, obligation and guilt. Journaling can help you process your feelings, and to understand them. Talking it out with a counsellor or understanding friend is another way.

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Originally published at https://comebackbrighter.com on August 6, 2018.