Emotional Neglect
Within a narcissistic family, it is only ever the narcissist that is considered.
This means that the children, even babies, of narcissistic families are neglected because their other parent is also preoccupied with the narcissist.
The family revolves around the whims and caprices of the narcissist because the narcissist instils a fear into the family. Each member fears displeasing the narcissist and being abandoned by them. It becomes about survival.
When children are born into the narcissistic family, the narcissist reasserts their authority over their partner.
The narcissist has to know that they have complete power and control. This is all that they are interested in.
The needs of the babies and children are ignored, as their other parent focuses on keeping the narcissist stable and feeling in control.
As the child grows older they are expected to prioritise the narcissist too.
Often the child is expected to endure the abuse from the narcissist. Even if they do complain their other parent makes excuses for the abusive parent.
At no point does the narcissist take responsibility for their actions.
Instead, the other family members are expected to be understanding that the narcissist is tired, grumpy, stressed out or unwell. It gives the narcissist complete freedom to act as they wish and to abuse all their family members.
Children raised in this toxic environment do not grow and flourish as they should.
The parent’s priority should be to ensure their child’s physical emotional and mental wellbeing. To see that the child is raised in a loving and accepting family.
However, it is only the narcissist’s wellbeing that is considered.
Children raised in this environment soon learn what is expected from them.
Their priority is to please the narcissist to keep themselves safe.
However, the narcissist is highly unpredictable and has a fragile and sensitive ego.
They thrive on keeping their family members in a state of anxiety, worried constantly that they will upset the narcissist.
So, these children are not able to develop as they should.
Mistakes are how children learn. Knowing that they are still loved and accepted despite these mistakes is imperative to a developing child.
Mistakes are dangerous to a child if a narcissist, one false move and the narcissist could shun them and they won’t survive.
Often these mistakes are things beyond the control of the child, it could be a bad report from a teacher, or something that they did completely unaware that the narcissist would take it the wrong way.
Even the emotions that their children feel and express are ‘wrong’ to a narcissist.
As narcissists have never learnt to process their own emotions, and everything is about them, they find others’ emotions unacceptable even repulsive.
Emotions such as sadness or anger are often ‘not allowed’ by the narcissist.
A crying child could be shamed into silence, mocked or told that they are being manipulative.
An angry child will be met by an angrier narcissist, either raging at their child until they submit or giving them the silent treatment.
These emotions are stuffed by the child, as they learnt when they express them it irritates or enrages the narcissist.
The adult child of the narcissist holds these emotions inside which manifest as depression, anger issues, even addictions as they try to numb how they are feeling.
These emotions can feel overwhelming and scary as they are often suppressed for decades.
However, these emotions will have a detrimental affect on your health. Unprocessed they manifest as dis-eases in the body.
Eventually these emotions will surface at a time when they need to come out.
They will show up as rages, over seemingly little things, or crying outbursts in inappropriate situations.
Supressed these emotions overtake you and control your life.
Every relationship or friendship will show the strains of these emotions.
When you are carrying around decades of emotions, they have a habit of seeping out in every one of your interactions.
It’s like your anger or sadness tank is full and it doesn’t take a lot for someone to make it erupt.
Your partner, children, friends, work colleagues will all suffer from your trigger reactions to every day events.
Life events
The narcissist and their partner will also not support their children through life challenges and changes. Or even through trauma.
Everything is about the narcissist, to the narcissist themselves and to the family trying to survive the toxic environment.
So, no-one else in the family can expect any acknowledgement of how they are feeling, let alone any support.
Children will be expected to get on with it, or even worse to pander to the narcissist’s emotional needs.
As the narcissist wants to be the centre of the attention and drama they will make other people’s drama about them.
The narcissist’s child struggling at school or being bullied, it will become, somehow, about the narcissist.
It’s confusing for the child because they need the support, but yet somehow, it’s all about their toxic parent.
The narcissist’s child is struggling and fighting to survive within a toxic family. Their sole focus is keeping the narcissist stable, so that they have a greater chance of living. Other children are learning, growing and developing in a safe and secure loving environment.
This continues into adulthood.
A narcissistic parent may tell you that they are there for you.
But, are they?
Were they there when you needed them as a child?
Were they there when you needed them as an adult?
Words are easy, it’s through people’s actions that we see the truth.
If any of this resonates with you, please be kind to yourself.
My experiences
Nanny
I was 14 when my grandmother died. She had been ill for a long time in hospital.
Months before she had fallen and broken her arm, which was the start of her hospital stay. No-one expected her to die.
My mother came and told me as I stood in my bedroom.
‘Nanny died’ she said
Before I could even respond she walked off into her bedroom.
The whole experience was about how my mother felt, how she felt losing her mother.
There was no emotional support for me.
I remember the one and only occasion I saw her cry was after her mother died and my father told her she was being manipulative.
Soon after this I watched the film Philadelphia, the scenes in the hospital reminded me of my grandmother.
I sobbed into the arms of my best friend. She was a safe place where I could express my sadness.
The Girl in the Pool
One summer of sunshine when I was a child we went as a family to the South of France with some other family members.
I loved splashing around in the pool, it was all I really wanted to do. It was so hot, all I wanted was the pool and ice-cream.
One day in the pool there was a commotion.
It wasn’t clear what was happening but we were asked to leave the pool area suddenly.
The site staff and adults were slightly panicked, we kids picked on their energy.
As we kids discussed what was happening we overheard tidbits from the adults.
‘She was in there a long time….’
‘It was her hair, it got caught in the filter’
‘They’ve taken her off in the ambulance’
Now I want to be clear I have never known for certain what happened that day.
I think that a young girl drowned.
My parents, and other family members never spoke to any of us kids about it. I don’t know if they thought that they were protecting us, but it could have been that we what we overheard was wrong.
This was the time when we all needed support and care. But not one of us got that from any of the adults.
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Originally published at https://comebackbrighter.com on August 31, 2021.