Childhood Emotional Neglect in a Narcissistic Family Part 2

6 min readJul 21, 2023

Here is part 2 of my blog about childhood emotional neglect in a narcissistic family.

Needs not recognised or met

The narcissist comes first to themselves and the rest of the family.

The whole family revolves around the narcissist and their needs, wants, desires and moods. They’ve been conditioned to fear the narcissist, if the narcissist withdraws their ‘love’ they will be abandoned.

It is only the needs of the narcissist that are catered to by their partner. Their children’s needs are ignored, as their other parent focuses on keeping the narcissist as stable as possible.

Often, it’s a challenge for the narcissist to re-assert their authority, and therefore power and control over their partner when a child is born.

They achieve this by a series of tests, to make sure that their partner still prioritises them.

Each time the narcissist tests their partner, it means that the baby’s needs are ignored. The tests will be when the baby needs something, and the narcissist will demand something at the same time. Each time their partner prioritises their narcissistic adult partner over their helpless baby or child the narcissist gets a power rush.

This continues throughout childhood.

The child soon learns who the priority is to their other parent.

They also learn that the narcissist is their priority, they learn that at a very early age.

Some narcissistic parents and their partners, ignore their child’s basic needs for food, shelter and warmth.

All narcissistic parents and their partners still tied in with the toxicity ignore their children’s emotional needs.

Children born into a narcissistic family will suffer from:

· People-pleasing

· No boundaries

· A desperate need to be liked

· Inability to say no

· Feeling used by people

· Being the giver in relationships

· Not being able to ask for help

· Low or no self-esteem and self-confidence

· Fears of rejection

· Living in survival mode

· Stuffing their emotions

· Fears over expressing their emotions

· Unhealthy attachments

· Toxic relationships

· Co-dependency

· unhealthy coping mechanisms

· Feeling lonely and isolated

· Hopelessness & helplessness

· Unsafe and insecure

· Feelings of not belonging

· Lacking love and acceptance

· Feeling responsible for everyone’s problems

· Self-blame

· Defensiveness

· Competition and comparison with others

· Feeling a failure

· Toxic guilt and shame

· Fear and obligation

· Like a bad person (or son or daughter)

The abuse from childhood continues into adulthood, it is not just the childhood that is affected.

These issues continue into adulthood unless they are recognised and healed.

All of these things stem directly from being emotionally neglected as a child.

Feeling lonely and left out

Being the scapegoat of the narcissistic family is lonely.

The whole family targets the narcissist’s scapegoat. This pleases the narcissist, and it means that the other family members are less likely to be assigned that role.

For the scapegoat, they are not necessarily aware that they are the family’s target. They think that something is wrong with them, they take the blame that they are continually given.

As the priority of the family is the narcissist, the other family members seek their approval all the time.

A calm and stable narcissist means that the family feels safe, even temporarily.

If the scapegoat is singled out and abused by any family member it unites the other family members with the narcissist.

The child doesn’t understand that this is a toxic dynamic. And it’s all about the family making sure that they are in the narcissist’s favour so that they can feel a little safer, albeit temporarily.

For them, it feels like there’s something wrong with them, that they are bad and at fault. Of course, this is also what they are told by or made to feel by the narcissist, or other family members.

It’s a toxic setup, which continually feeds into the story, for the scapegoat, that there is something wrong with them.

The more they think it’s them, the more likely they are to continue to try with the narcissist and other family members. It ties them with the toxicity. Of course, there can be brief moments when the narcissist appears to care about them.

However, even in these brief moments of ‘care’ from the narcissist, it is tainted. As much as the scapegoat child can relax a little with the narcissist, it makes them an even bigger target for the rest of the family.

The narcissist’s ‘love’ is restricted to one person at a time, including their partner. Whilst they ‘love’ one family member, they appear to hate the others.

So, it becomes a competition within the family to fight for the narcissist’s approval. Their very survival depends on it.

The other family members will strive to shift the narcissist’s ‘love’ from the scapegoat back to themselves. There is no low that they won’t stoop to because it’s very serious, it’s about their survival: it’s life or death.

Something might feel off about their family, but the scapegoat tends to revert to self-blame.

This is especially the case because it’s not just a toxic family they are used it, they attract toxic friends, partners, teachers, bosses, colleagues, everyone.

The more they see reflected back to them that it’s their fault, by all these people, the conclusion they come to is that it must be them.

The cycle perpetuates itself, bringing massive suffering and misery to the scapegoat.

Those toxic voices in their head, continue and get louder, and they may not even realise, it’s not them; it’s because the abuse that they have suffered. It’s the foundation of their life.

As the family rally around the narcissist, and the scapegoat is pushed away by their abuse and that of the rest of the family, they always feel alone and left out.

Of course, the family perpetuate this, it pleases the narcissist because it brings further isolation and misery to their scapegoat.

This continues in school, where the chances are that they will be a target of bullies, from children and teachers. It’s a dynamic very similar to home life.

The truth is that the scapegoat is the only normal one in the family.

Them being the target is not their fault, it’s because of the way that the narcissist sees them. But it is not the truth about them.

It might be difficult to believe but it’s not personal. The narcissist doesn’t know them, the narcissist only sees them in terms of the narcissist.

There is hope for the scapegoat.

They are much more likely to break free, because of the narcissist’s and family’s treatment of them is so bad.

It might take a huge row, or it might just be a little something that makes them begin to realise that something is really off. Then they take steps to distance themselves and start to heal.

https://comebackbrighter.com/2023/07/18/childhood-emotional-neglect-in-a-narcissistic-family-2/

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