Childhood Emotional Neglect in a Narcissistic Family

5 min readJun 27, 2023

Emotional neglect within the narcissistic family is difficult to identify and heal from.

Here are the ways that a child is emotionally neglected with a narcissistic family.

Invalidation

Children of narcissist parents are consistently invalidated, not just by the narcissistic parent but by other family members.

The priority of the narcissistic parent to assert their power and control over their family members.

The first concern of the family is to keep the narcissistic parent as stable as possible. When the narcissist is calm, there is greater chance of survival.

Whenever the narcissistic parent’s behaviour is spoken about, especially by the scapegoat, the family rally around the abuser.

They invalidate the scapegoat by:

Belittling and mocking
guilt tripping
denying how they feel
telling them they are wrong for feeling it
giving them ‘evidence’ against it
judging
twisting things
gas-lighting
making them question themselves
defending the narcissist
telling them to just accept it
threatening
isolating them
making excuses for the behaviour

All of these things are to make the scapegoat doubt themselves. The longer the scapegoat doubts themselves and their experiences the longer they will remain the narcissistic parent’s target.

Never will they consider how the scapegoat feels, it will all be about the narcissist or the other family member.

No-one wants the role of the scapegoat. So, every family member including the other parent, will fight to keep the scapegoat in their role.

Consistently being invalidated means that the scapegoat blames themselves and loses trust in themselves.

No emotions allowed

Children raised in a narcissistic family will soon learn that their emotions are to be supressed.

From a very young age, they will learn that their emotional needs are not met. Not only that, they are frequently mocked, belittled, or ignored whenever they show their emotions.

As a result, children will learn to supress their true feelings, and cover them over with a mask of feeling nothing, or of being happy.

The narcissistic parent’s emotions rule the household.

Their anger is felt and feared by everyone.

Some narcissists are rage filled, and shout and scream. Others use the silent treatment to show their rage.

Everyone is expected to meet the needs of the narcissist, to calm them when they are angry. To appease them until they are more stable.

This results in the fawn trauma response, when the family, or the scapegoat, will agree with the narcissist or compromise themselves to try to avoid conflict.

Narcissistic parents will be angry when their child expresses their anger. As far as the narcissist is concerned, there is only person in the family, the narcissist, and they are the only ones to be considered.

Some narcissistic parents view tears as a manipulation tactic, not as an expression of sadness or frustration.

Competition for love between family members

The narcissistic parent will set up the family members to be in competition for their love. They can only ‘love’ one person at a time, and that person can change very quickly.

Even the other parent is in competition with their children for the narcissist’s love.

Different narcissists will express their love in different ways, be it praise, attention, money or gifts showered on their preferred family member. However, it is not love, it is not unconditional nor truly accepting the other person.

A narcissist’s love is the reward when the narcissist is getting something that they want from someone.

It will never be spoken about, but each family member understands the dynamic deep down.

The child chosen as the golden child, will be the one that appears to be rewarded with the narcissists love.

The scapegoat child will bear the brunt of the narcissist’s abuse, taking the blame for everything.

But these roles can change very quickly, depending on the actions of the child.

Anything that either child does that reflects well on the narcissist and their image will be rewarded with the narcissist’s ‘love’.

So, by extension, the child who does not bolster the narcissist’s image will be punished and have the narcissistic parent’s love revoked.

Childhood in a narcissistic family, is a struggle for survival for each family member.

Once that love is revoked, the child fears that they will be abandoned and won’t survive.

Conversations and issues

Any problems within the narcissistic family are never spoke about or resolved.

There are never conversations about the issues affecting the family members, either problems within the family or externally.

If there is a problem, it’s up to the scapegoat child to take it. And it’s their fault.

Should the scapegoat speak up about it, they will be invalidated, and told to just accept it.

Conversations are shallow, no-one speaks about how they really feel, things are only ever on a superficial level.

Sometimes family members resort to passive aggression, to release some of their feelings of frustration. This is usually directed at the scapegoat.

As the family’s concern is keeping the narcissist stable, they will be very careful about what they say or do. They will ensure that they don’t say or do anything that might upset the narcissist.

The narcissist’s fragile ego and defence system are very sensitive. People can offend them with the most insignificant and benign comment, without ever knowing what it was that offended the narcissist.

Every family member will be watchful of what they say or do. They can never relax.

This blog will continue next week.

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