Breaking No Contact
No contact is not an easy decision.
A lack of options
It usually comes about because of a lack of any other options.
No-one wants to go no contact.
It is not a choice.
Everything you have done to try and fix the relationship hasn’t worked, so there is no choice.
It is an extreme decision based on years of trying to forge a relationship and getting nowhere.
Over the last six years or so I have gone no contact with my father on two occasions, the last time for forever. So that means that on one occasion I have broken my no contact.
A choice me or my father
For me, no contact was a decision to save my sanity, it simply came down to him or me.
I was throwing so much energy, time and effort at our relationship and I got tired, really tired and to the brink of a nervous breakdown.
My young son was reliant on me and I couldn’t go to pieces so I had to make the most difficult decision of my life.
I remember once thinking that I was banging my head against a brick wall when it came to my parents, when was I going to save myself and stop? It took a further 5 years after this to force me to a decision.
Narcissistic personality disorder explained the problem
The pivotal point was the discovery of narcissistic personality disorder.
This was the point at which I went no contact with both my parents. I finally realised that it wasn’t just up to me to save our relationship, that they had to want it as much as I did.
There was an explanation of why I had felt as I had since a young child and all my adult life.
When I broke my no contact the first time, I didn’t know about narcissistic personality disorder and I was still hoping to have a relationship with my mother.
My mother had a screening for cancer, and they had found a lump, so I came into contact with my father again. I raced back to the UK to support her, I did what I thought was best, for her. After this time my relationship with each of my parents was even more fragile.
I witnessed my father abusing my son
On the 27 October 2015, I discovered about narcissistic personality disorder when they were visiting and suddenly everything made sense.
At this point I wasn’t ready to make a decision, I was still stuck in the fear, obligation and guilt that is the norm for those subjected to narcissistic abuse.
Then I saw it, clear as day whilst in the supermarket with my mother, father and young son. My son had done something naughty, my father picked him up and whispered in his ear.
That was it: my breaking point.
Then I realised that he was abusing my son exactly as he had done to me. I had no choice, so when they left, I decided I never wanted to see them again.
The flying monkeys try to reel you back
You get reeled back in or ‘hoovered’ if you want a relationship with anyone connected with a narcissist, a flying monkey.
This can be their partner, child, family member, or friend.
It doesn’t matter. Anyone who has anything to do with a narcissist is just as toxic.
The narcissist knows that you want a relationship with this person and this gives them an advantage.
This is how I got sucked back in because I wanted a relationship with my mother.
To be truly free of all the toxicity I had to free myself from my mother as well as my father.
The narcissist can appear to change
Sometimes after no contact, a narcissist will appear to change or offer apologies.
The first months of no contact are a very vulnerable time and they know it and seek to take advantage of it.
That’s why they will send other family members or friends to try to manipulate you back into the relationship.
This is why often we break no contact because the narcissist promises to change and in our need for our parent, we believe them.
When hopes dies
The death of the hope of your dream parent is a sad day.
The hope that they will become everything we want, need and deserve.
It takes time to come to this point.
For me, this point came about a year into no contact, when I finally stopped opening cards and packages from them. I grieved because they had so many opportunities to make things right, to take responsibility and they preferred no contact. I had to accept that they were never going to change.
Personally, I have come so far in the last three years, I could not be in contact with my parents again.
The changes that I have gone through mean that I can’t accept abusive behaviour from anyone.
It took a lot to get to this point.
For my adult life, it was fifteen years of stress and anxiety trying to make it work and then three years to heal to this point.
So, no matter if you are full contact, low contact, or no contact, or have been a mix of all three over the years, this is your journey, you have to do what you think is right, as long as you are your priority.
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Originally published at https://comebackbrighter.com on January 11, 2019.