Are You Scapegoating Yourself?
When you were a child you had no choice of the role your narcissistic parent gave you.
If you were selected the scapegoat, you were the scapegoat of the entire family.
If you were chosen as the lost child, you were the family’s lost child.
As you grew over the years of your childhood, dependent on a toxic parent, you had no choice.
The chances are your role chosen for you because of reasons beyond your control.
But it also could have been because you have something the narcissist is jealous of. A spark that they want to take for themselves, to fill the black hole that is their soul.
As scapegoat we are told we are bad which our belief: ‘I am and deserve to suffer.’
The lost child gets the message, I am insignificant which becomes ‘I am worthless’.
These messages were from people who suffer from huge personal problems. They projected their crap onto us.
None of it is about who we are.
So, the false beliefs the scapegoat and lost child hear and build on: ‘I am not enough and I deserve to suffer.’
This is the key: we think that we have to suffer, so we make ourselves suffer.
When you make the decision to go no contact, you face another choice.
This is only after the grieving process, once you’ve truly accepted what you’ve been through.
The choice is: to continue scapegoating/neglecting yourself or to become the person that you were always meant to be.
If you continue scapegoating/neglecting yourself you are taking on the role that your parent gave you.
They don’t need to do it anymore, because you’re doing the job yourself, probably better than they did.
We torture ourselves.
And we choose to torture ourselves.
Until you realised about narcissistic personality disorder you had little choice.
Now you do.
If you’ve freed yourself by going no contact, then you have the greatest choice:
Do you want to continue to suffer?
Or do you want to live the rest of your life in love, joy and peace?
If you’ve reached a certain stage of your healing and are stuck the only thing holding you back might be you!
Still that message plays ‘I deserve to suffer’ and you fall into that old familiar and crap pattern.
Feeling hopeless and worthless, the way you are meant to feel, you spiral into depression. It’s lonely.
There is help out there, but the messages still play, on loop, ‘I’m not worth it’ and ‘I am bad, I deserve to suffer.’
Any financial investment is seen as too much, ‘it’s a waste, I’m not worth it’. It won’t work anyway, ‘I’m too broken’ and ‘I deserve to feel like crap’.
These may not be your conscious thoughts, but I’ll bet there be truth in them.
Perhaps you hide behind ‘I can’t afford it’ or ‘I haven’t got enough time’.
Or put it onto someone else, if it feels really uncomfortable ‘My spouse wouldn’t like me to spend the money on myself’ or ‘We’ve had some big bills recently, we can’t justify the cost.’
How long have you suffered like this?
Has it been days, weeks, months or years?
How much has your refusal to see your self-worth cost you?
How much do your relationships suffer? And your parenting?
Are you short tempered and unhappy with your spouse? Snappy and impatient with your children?
Your finances?
How much money have you lost out on because you don’t have the confidence in yourself?
Have the toxic beliefs from your childhood continued so you live in debt? And believe there is never enough?
Your career?
Have you lost out on promotions because you refused to apply?
Would you like to start a new business but lack the confidence?
Your sense of fulfilment?
Do you have dreams but fail to see how you can achieve them?
Are you your own worst enemy when it comes to allowing your happiness?
Do you feel like you are just existing?
Everything will be touched and infected by you continuing to scapegoat or neglect yourself.
Relationships will fail.
How could anyone else give you what you need? Only you can do that.
Your children will grow whilst you remain sad or angry or lonely. All those lost years when you could be enjoying them.
They will see how you punish yourself and do the same to themselves. It will be their normal.
Perhaps they will treat you badly because you treat yourself badly. Children learn more from our example than from what we say.
What have you have missed out on that you are not even aware of?
Those lost chances of deep connection, of caring friendships, of true love partners, of building a family of choice, of opportunities neglected or dismissed, of businesses or promotions not begun, of financial security…… the list goes on.
Missing out on truly knowing the state of love, peace and joy.
And knowing and accepting who you really are in this world, warts and all.
What was the point in no contact, if you are treating yourself as badly, or worse than your narcissistic parent?
They had you for x number of years.
Don’t let them take your future too.
There’s loads of help out there, conventional therapies, alternative therapies (and me!).
Find someone who can help you break that pattern of suffering. Whether it’s a therapist or a gong bath find whatever makes you feel good.
Stop suffering.
Don’t let those toxic bastards that raised you take the rest of your life from you.
Feel that anger and use the energy to get the help you need, no matter the financial cost.
Time is more precious, and the longer you go on, the longer you are suffering because of what some toxic pieces of shit told you about yourself.
Whatever they told you- it’s not true. It never was true.
And it’s possible to heal, and to live your life in love, joy and peace.
Make the right choice.
NOW GO! Get that help you need before you talk yourself out of it.
And don’t give up at the first hurdle.
YOU deserve to feel better, YOU deserve to heal and YOU deserve a life filled with love, peace and joy.
If you have any questions please drop me a comment or email me at clarecomebackbrighter@gmail.com.
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You are not alone, Clare x
Originally published at https://comebackbrighter.com on December 28, 2020.