‘Are they ok?’ How is the Narcissist After your No contact?

6 min readDec 23, 2022

This blog focuses on how the narcissist gets on once their scapegoat has broken free.

Narcissists will always make sure that they are okay.

As soon as they feel that their scapegoat may break free, they will find someone else.

Perhaps they always have someone on standby just in case the scapegoat leaves.

They are very finetuned into the dynamic of the relationship and can sense as soon as things start to change. This is even if you don’t actually make any changes, pull away or stop contact, they will know that something is different about you.

Often, they may push things, ramp up the drama and their abusive behaviour. It’s like a last test, to see what they can get away with.

Sometimes these incidents coincide with a big life event, for example, an illness, a marriage, a house move or a child. The narcissist has to re-affirm their position, as the one and only to you.

With these tests, the narcissist is not bothered either way.

If you accept their abuse, they’ve got you where they want you, close to them for abuse whenever they want. If you don’t accept it, then they can walk away because you’re not serving them anymore.

The emotional connections of family, even parent child, is not a factor to a narcissist.

Sadly, they are not capable of forming any genuine or sincere emotional attachments to anyone. They are simply too selfish, self-absorbed, and incapable of caring for anyone else.

So, if you refuse to take their abuse, they can walk away.

However, they will have already prepared the way before they walk away.

As previously mentioned, narcissists need a scapegoat. They need someone to dump all of their nasty emotions and uncomfortable feelings onto. It makes them feel better, just for a moment.

Their priority is not to save the relationship, but to make sure that they are ok.

A part of this is to make sure that they have someone to take on that role of scapegoat for them. It could be another family member, a friend, or even a casual acquaintance.

I believe that the narcissist always has a backup scapegoat, just in case. This might even be a previous scapegoat; someone they can pull back into their circle to abuse.

Often, when the scapegoat escapes, it is one of their siblings, the narcissist’s other children, that take on that role.

They don’t like it.

Therefore, if a sibling takes on that role, they will often seek to get the original scapegoat back. They will use guilt, obligation, threats, fear, emotional blackmail, invalidation and lies, to do so. There is no low they won’t stoop to to get the old scapegoat back.

One thing they will never do though, is address the abuse with the abuser. Or consider no contact themselves.

They were so comfortable in their old role, all they want is to get it back.

Their anger and frustration at becoming the scapegoat is directed at the old scapegoat, not the source of the problem.

Of course, the narcissist’s scapegoat is also the family scapegoat. The root of the problem is the narcissist, but the toxic family setup means that the narcissist swerves all responsibility and passes it onto the innocent scapegoat.

So, the first priority for the narcissist is to find a replacement scapegoat. Then their next priority is to make sure that they are ok in other ways.

Any practical needs that they have will be catered for too. Whatever the scapegoat did, the narcissist will find alternative people or resources for.

Narcissists will lie about their situation. It could be about their health, or financial status. They use these lies to manipulate others.

They will take advantage of other people, most especially their children.

The scapegoat is their first go-to, they will use fear, obligation and guilt to manipulate them. The narcissist will assume that the scapegoat will do exactly as they want.

The other family members, too, will expect the scapegoat to do whatever the narcissist wants.

This way, they don’t have to do it.

In addition, they will put pressure on the scapegoat, and use the same manipulation tools, to get the scapegoat to do whatever the narcissist wants.

The poor scapegoat gets all the abuse and all the responsibility for the narcissist.

It is little wonder that no-one else wants that role.

The narcissist won’t care about how their demands affect other people, how unreasonable they are, or about the other person’s situation. All they care about is making sure that they are ok.

Somehow, they will find the people or the money to get what they need.

Sometimes it is quite incredible how the narcissist manages to remain ok despite whatever is happening around them, or how their situation changes.

They always have a plan, the priority of which is to make sure that they are ok. So, not only do they have a backup scapegoat, but they also have backup financial support, or whatever support they need.

The narcissist won’t care how physically, mentally, emotionally or financially drained they leave someone.

None of that matters to them. All that matters is that they are comfortable and getting exactly what they need.

Nor will they appreciate it.

It will be expected and assumed, as a part of the scapegoat’s role.

Narcissists have no emotional depth, no love for anyone, no connection to people.

However, they do use the love that other people have for them. They will exploit others’ care of them, or pity, to control them into doing what they want.

To a narcissist, love is a weakness, to be used and exploited. They sneer at those that love them.

It could be assumed that a narcissist is suffering as much as you after no contact.

However, because they lack true emotional connection with you, they are not suffering.

As long as their needs are being met, their basic needs for survival and someone or people to give them the attention and energy they need, they are fine.

There is nothing deeper than this required by a narcissist.

As a normal person, maybe a parent, you may be projecting how you would feel onto them.

A normal parent would do all they could to have a healthy and happy relationship with their child. They would be willing to do anything to sort it out.

However, a narcissist has a different agenda.

For them their child is a source of attention and energy for life. Someone to manipulate and control. A target for their abuse, especially the scapegoat who gets it the worse.

They can’t love their child; they are not capable of it.

But, for you, it’s about the loss of a parent, the loss of the parent that you wanted and hoped they could be. It’s a massive loss, like a death, only that person still lives.

It’s the death of the hope that they could be what you wanted and needed.

But for the narcissist it’s just the loss of someone that gave them a lot of attention and energy. They can find this elsewhere, maybe in multiple people.

You are replaceable to the narcissist.

And this is why, above all else, the narcissist will always be fine.

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