Am I Ghosting if I Go No Contact?

Ghosting is suddenly cutting contact with someone, with no explanation or reason, and not responding to their messages.

If you are dealing with a narcissist, then at some point you would have had an issue with them. Once you aired this issue, they turned into the biggest argument or drama fest.

It was never resolved, just swept under the carpet. Usually there was enough time between these incidences to forget about it, or at least to hope that it never happened again.

However, it did happen again, and often more than once.

With a narcissist, it feels like there is a special combination of words that you need to know to get through to them. That it’s your fault for not knowing exactly how to communicate with them to get your point across.

The truth is that the narcissist knows exactly what’s going on, although they will never tell you that.

It’s not a magic combination of words, or a special thing to do to get through to them.

A narcissist feeds from your energy when you are dealing with them, and the more energy you give them the better. This is why they escalate the issue, the more fuel they add to the fire, the more and more energy you give them.

Communication never works with a narcissist because they don’t have the same agenda as you.

Whilst you may want to work things through so that you are happier in the relationship and feel loved and respected, the narcissist is out to win.

They are out to win the conversation, show their superiority over you, get energy from you and other people and see evidence for how you care about them (but they don’t care about you).

A narcissist doesn’t have the same emotional connection as you have. They are incapable of forming emotional connections with anyone because they lack compassion and care for other people.

I believe that a narcissist knows exactly what they are doing.

That is why they started the smear campaign against you.

It started when you born if you have a narcissistic parent or when you first knew each other if it’s a narcissistic partner.

This is a deliberate and systematic campaign against you to discredit you to everyone around you.

This is because the narcissist fears that you will reveal the truth about them and their abuse. So, they discredit you in advance so that you won’t be believed, and the narcissist’s false image is preserved.

However, a narcissist will never acknowledge what they’ve put you through.

Why would they?

They get so much attention and energy out of denying the abuse, refusing to take responsibility for their actions and declining to apologise.

No, you’re not.

Consider the number of times that issues were resolved to your satisfaction.

Or did you end up feeling confused, frustrated, angry, defensive, exhausted and wondering what it was all about?

Did you feel utterly baffled about why the conversation took the twists and turns it did?

Had the whole thing escalated into a nightmare that went on for weeks and involved multiple members of your family?

Was the whole argument about how the narcissist felt, even though you had raised the issue because you were upset or hurt?

Was it always up to you to take their treatment with no change in their behaviour, or even worse up to you to put it right with an apology?

If you answer yes to these questions, then you have been subjected to the abuse and ‘word salad’ of a narcissist.

When it comes to narcissistic abuse, there often comes to the point when you realise you have no choice but to cut them off.

After having experienced years, if not decades, of this treatment you realise that they are never going to change. It’s been the same pattern over and over, with only you ever taking any responsibility for the relationship.

Ghosting never gives the other person a chance to have their say.

A narcissist always makes sure that you know exactly how they feel, it’s ALL about them.

Even if at the start you wanted to sort out an issue that you had with them, somehow it all becomes about them.

You never get YOUR say.

In fact, it much more likely to be the narcissist to be the one that cuts of the communication without giving you a chance to have your say.

If they just cut you off, it’s because they don’t want a fight (maybe they have enough energy from elsewhere), don’t want to take responsibility for their actions or can’t be bothered with having the give the appearance of giving a crap about you.

If you still wondering if you’re ghosting them:

Have you always given the narcissist chance after chance?

Have they always let you down?

Did they continue with the same behaviours although you told them it hurt/upset you? Or did their behaviour get even worse?

The choice comes down to two simple things when you are dealing with a narcissist:

Continue the same pattern as previously tried for years or decades, ending up with you feeling frustrated confused and the issue not being resolved

or break the cycle and end all communications.

The more emotional a discussion or row is, the more energy the narcissist gets.

The greater the emotional ties you have with the narcissist, the more they feed from it.

I have another form of ‘ghosting’ applicable to narcissistic abuse:

G et (the)

H ell

O ut

S top

T rying

I t

N ever

G ets better

Although you like to give the narcissist credit, they don’t deserve it.

They come from bad energy, from bad intentions, don’t want you to be happy, and get a sick kick out of making you feel worse about bad situations.

In short, their actions over the past years and decades have shown you this. They have shown you over and over how little they regard you.

A narcissist may shout that they want to understand, once they realise you are distancing yourself.

Don’t be fooled, they don’t want to know, they want to cause another row and get more and more energy from you.

They fake not understanding because you want to make them fully aware of ALL the reasons why you are distancing yourself. It’s playing on your desire, but they don’t want to listen to you. None of this is about you, as far as the narcissist is concerned.

You want to be seen, but the narcissist doesn’t see you.

You want to be heard, but the narcissist won’t listen.

It’s normal to care about a narcissist, after all if you’ve given them the respect to try to sort out whatever issues you had with them it’s because you care and want a relationship.

You can care, but still recognise the need to protect yourself from a narcissist.

A narcissist will take and take from you until they’ve drained you, and then complain that there’s nothing left.

Does the narcissist deserve an explanation?

Only you can answer this, only you have the experiences with them.

My advice, whatever you do, consider only what you need.

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Originally published at https://comebackbrighter.com on February 22, 2022.