A Narcissist’s Apology
The scapegoat speaks out
There comes a time in a toxic family when the scapegoat starts to speak out about their narcissist parent’s behaviour.
Their aim, to bring to their parents attention their hurt, upset and to make their parents understand.
Their ultimate desire, for the narcissist to apologise, say I love you and ask to be forgiven. And then to change their behaviour and to be grateful for the opportunity to continue in their child’s life.
It takes strength
It shows new strength in the scapegoat that they start to expect better from their parent.
That, instead of just continuing to accept their abuse, they speak out. Unfortunately, it does not have the desired result.
A false apology
A narcissist may offer an apology of sorts, in that they say, ‘I’m sorry’.
It is what they say afterwards that is the indication of their true regret. It will often be followed by a ‘but’, with an excuse for their behaviour, which is usually someone else’s fault.
Or they use the apology as another way to invalidate you. They say: ‘I’m sorry that you took it the wrong way’ or ‘I’m sorry that the situation happened’.
The only way to really show genuine regret is to simply say ‘I’m sorry’. Anything that follows these words is an attempt to negate it in some way.
…..sounds good
This ‘fauxpology’ is a tactic of abusive people because it sounds good because they say the words ‘I’m sorry’.
They can report to others that they apologised.
And make it appear that they accepted responsibility, but you are at fault for not accepting their apology.
Once more they twist a situation to be able to report to others that they are not the problem. They use this to reinforce their precious image as the perfect parent and undermine you to these people.
Actions show the truth
Sometimes a narcissist will tell you that they love you, but, sadly, again it is only words.
How can they love you when they hurt you so much?
How can they care when they love to destroy your happiness?
Their true feelings are made clear in their actions. Words are easy and take no effort, but their actions show their truth.
They will never accept responsibility
Likewise, a narcissist will never desire forgiveness because then they would have to acknowledge that they have been at fault.
A narcissist never accepts fault because it compromises their internal and projected image as being perfect.
It would mean that they were vulnerable.
They will fight to protect their fragile ego and your upset as an attack on them and their ego.
….or change their ways
If you ask for an apology from them, then their behaviour should change.
This is the real proof of the regret that the offender feels, they change their ways. Not just for a while from the beginning, but over time and forever.
A narcissist will never change.
They don’t feel that they need to, they are perfect human beings and superior to everyone.
At this point, their current supply (you) is ‘broken’ and won’t take the abuse anymore. They then discard you and invest their energy in new supply.
We are just a source of attention
As far as a narcissist is concerned we are just a source of attention.
We are someone to enjoy bringing down.
If we get too troublesome for them they can move onto new supply. They will often have several people in reserve as supply.
This is normally family members because the abuse is ‘normal’ to them and the narcissist has already worked on them.
They have no interest in making the relationship work. Because they don’t care, we are disposable. With just a little investment in their new supply, they can walk away.
It’s never an equal relationship
With a narcissist, the relationship is not equal.
They don’t want to give as well as take.
They won’t compromise, they don’t respect anyone else and they don’t treat others as they expect to be treated.
It is an entirely one-way relationship. Expect them to be difficult if you start to ask them to make an effort with the relationship or respect you.
Sadly, there is no chance of a reconciliation with a narcissist, especially if you start demanding an apology.
It is either their way or no way.
This leaves us at an impasse, either we accept more abuse of ourselves and our children or we refuse.
This means that we often have no choice but to consider no contact.
If you have any questions please drop me a comment or email me at clarecomebackbrighter@gmail.com.
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Originally published at https://comebackbrighter.com on September 14, 2018.