A Letter To All the Ungrateful and Selfish Children,
I will start this letter off with a question: Did you ask to be born?
I assume that your response will be ‘no’.
So, then I ask why it is that we are constantly expected to be grateful to our parents?
And why we are called selfish if we do anything other than what they want?
Having a child is a responsibility, another human being to care for, feed, protect and keep safe until that child is old enough to look after themselves.
So, when your mother decided to have you, she made that choice to take on that responsibility.
SHE made that choice.
AND she made the choice to keep you. And if you are adopted, she chose to adopt you.
Sure, your father may have had some input, but the ultimate decision was your mother’s.
Toxic, narcissistic, abusive mothers may not provide for their child’s basic needs.
And there is certainly no love or emotional support.
Home is not a safe place.
Everything we need is resented and begrudged.
It’s added to the list of things that we ‘owe’ our parents, which they expect us to pay back with a lifetime of servitude.
Calling us ungrateful and selfish is pure manipulation, to press our guilt button, and to get us to fall in line.
It is also projection because who is actually the one being ungrateful and selfish?
I’ll bet it’s NOT you.
You are not selfish or ungrateful.
I’ll be willing to bet you are someone who loves deeply and cares about your parents and family.
If you didn’t care they wouldn’t be able to manipulate you by guilting you.
Someone who was selfish and ungrateful would walk away without a backward glance (usually the golden child) but will have their hand out whenever they want something.
The narcissist knows you VERY well.
They know exactly how much you love and care for them, no matter how they treat you.
A narcissist sees your big heart and sees an opportunity to be exploited.
They see it as the means by which they can get you to do what they want, no matter the personal cost to you.
For them it’s a weakness.
They don’t realise that you would probably do it for them without the manipulation just because you do love them.
When they manipulate you, they get a ego rush.
They are superior to you because they’ve deceived you into doing what they wanted.
A narcissist cannot love, so when they see that others love them, it’s a huge ego boost. It’s proof that you care more for them than they do for you.
And when you are manipulated, they use your love for them against you.
Love, to a narcissist, is a weakness.
But deep, deep, deep down, not that they’ll ever admit it, love is what they are desperate for.
And it’s not just the narcissist who will call you ungrateful or selfish
Other people, who may be toxic themselves, or at least have wounds that they need to heal will accuse you of being selfish and ungrateful.
This says more about them than it does about you.
Don’t fear their judgement.
They have their own issues, which they are not ready to address.
What they say about you, is not the truth. Only you know the truth about your situation.
Society seeks to shame those that don’t conform to their comfortable lies.
As children of toxic and narcissistic parents we know that parents are abusive.
Our society find this very uncomfortable. So, they find a way of easing this discomfort.
They chose to shame those that have no choice but to protect themselves and their children through no contact.
We are not responsible for their discomfort nor their judgement.
They are entitled to their opinion, just as we are entitled to ours.
It’s a shame, though, that so many adults won’t awaken to the truth.
Many children endure the hardships of an abusive family, because adults find it easier to turn a blind eye.
Wouldn’t it be better, to be heard than told to be silent because of the shame that other people feel?
If anyone says that you are ungrateful or selfish, then it’s a warning for you- stay away.
You know the truth, you always have and you don’t need anyone else’s validation.
I see you.
I see your big heart.
And I think it’s something to be proud of.
If there were more big hearts like yours in the world it would be a different place.
Don’t let them change you.
Please don’t let your experiences with one (or maybe more) toxic person change the love that you hold in your heart.
Give to people who deserve it and appreciate it. Your love changes the world.
But most of all, make yourself a priority for that love.
Gift yourself the love that you needed so desperately from your narcissistic parent and family.
Your heart may be bruised, but it still beats.
With time you can forgive those that hurt you.
You can still love from a distance, even those that hurt you. They need it the most.
But you don’t need to see them or speak to them, your priority is to protect yourself. Send them your love from afar.
Focus on your healing.
Focus on those around you that appreciate and cherish the gift of your love.
Like the ripples on a pond, your love radiates from you and changes this world.
I love you, each and every one of you.
I love your big hearts and your desire to love even when you’ve been hurt.
If you have any questions please drop me a comment or email me at clarecomebackbrighter@gmail.com.
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You are not alone, Clare x
Originally published at https://comebackbrighter.com on February 16, 2021.