10 Questions to Help you Identify Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Here are 10 questions to ask yourself about someone to see if they have narcissistic personality disorder.
Have you ever wondered if they care about you?
This is the biggest indicator of someone with narcissistic personality disorder.
Whilst they may hint or even say outright that they care, or that they love you, their actions are very, very different.
Their behaviour is the thing that leads you to ask yourself if they care, because they don’t act like they do. And it’s not a one off, their actions are consistent with someone that doesn’t care.
It’s a very painful thing to admit to yourself, that this person doesn’t really care about you.
Often, you put a positive spin on the things that they do, you see their actions as being loving, or at least thoughtful.
But the sad truth is that whilst they can do these things it’s frequently because they want something from you. Once they’ve got it, they’re back to normal.
There’s also a sad desperation in any relationship with a narcissist, you think that they care, you want them to care, so you chose to see their actions as caring.
The truth about them, their vile behaviour, you often dismiss, try to forget, hoping that it’ll never happen again. But unfortunately, although the exact circumstances might change the drama, chaos and pain for you, doesn’t.
Is everything always about them or how they feel?
Someone suffering from narcissistic personality disorder is the centre of the world, as far as they’re concerned.
Everything is about them.
So, if it’s something you’re going through they’ll make it about them, either how they’re affected by it, or how they went through something much worse.
For them, it’s a chance to steal the limelight, to be the centre of everyone’s attention.
However, for you, it’s a terrible moment in life when you need support from them.
Whatever stress and strive you’ve been through, they’ve never been there for you.
They might have said that they will be, but when it comes down to it they disappear. Or even worse, they make the situation worse by misadvising you under the guise of supporting you.
Likewise with happy times, they’ll seek to make it about them. Either the situation will become about something they’re celebrating, or they’ll create some drama and chaos to distract from you and make you unhappy.
Narcissists need other people’s attention and energy to survive. It’s the focus of their lives to get as much as they can from other people.
Is the relationship one-sided with only you making any effort?
People with narcissistic personality disorder generally can’t really be bothered. Sometimes they are lazy.
When it comes to relationships they aren’t interested unless they are getting what they want from it.
There must be some sort of profit from it for them, or else they won’t bother.
They lack the ability to empathise or care for anyone and this is shown in their relationships. It means that they can just walk away because they don’t have that emotional connection with anyone.
However, for you, the relationship is confusing, erratic and frustrating. You try to understand to make it all work for the best for you both but it never gets you anywhere.
Whilst you’re trying to work it out, and understand what’s going on, the narcissist will just relish the opportunity to see you trying so hard. They love to see how much you care.
Sometimes it feels like the more effort you put in, the less they do. And then they blame you for not caring enough!
It’s never the same standards, the narcissist expects certain things from you, but you’re not to expect anything back in return.
Do they take responsibility for their actions?
Whilst you’re trying to understand what’s going on, it’s often because of some argument or disagreement over something. Perhaps it’s been many arguments and disagreements.
Maybe you can’t even remember how it all started.
Whilst you are expected to take responsibility for whatever they throw at you during this situation, they won’t.
A narcissist will make excuses, defend themselves, blame other people, all the things, to get out of taking responsibility for their actions.
If you approach them, to try to sort something out, somehow it blows up into a massive row. Out of nowhere, when all you were trying to do is help them understand how you feel, it explodes.
Often these things go on for ages, maybe they are never forgotten.
A narcissist will keep a list of all the grudges they have had against you over the years.
Their expectation is that you will forgive and forget, but which they mean let them do it all over again. And you’re unreasonable if you don’t.
Narcissists will get angry if you expect anything from them. For them, that’s not the arrangement, you are there to serve them, and it’s certainly not reciprocated.
Do you often end up doing what they want you to do, rather than what you want?
It’s the big and the little things, they’re all an opportunity for a narcissist to exert their power and control.
Perhaps it’s a big life decision when the narcissist will expect to have a say, or even dictate, what you do.
Or maybe it’s something smaller, like a decision about what to eat that day.
Whatever it is, the narcissist will expect to get their own way, and they will use whatever ploys and manipulation tactics they have to to get it.
For them, it’s about winning, and winning means having power and control over you.
The more invested you are in the decision and the greater emotional connection to it, the greater power and control they can exert over you to get you to do what they want.
It will never be about the best thing for you.
However, it will be the best thing for the narcissist, or that they gain something even in a small way.
There’s a challenge to a narcissist, to bring you round to what they want. And they relish it, because it gives them a chance to witness how much power and control they have over you.
A narcissist also loves to use those emotional manipulations, making you feel responsible for their personal happiness or perhaps their state of health.
Are they kind to you?
This one is important, because I don’t think that a narcissist can show any kindness to anyone or anything.
They might be able to give the appearance of it, but there’s no sincerity behind it. And it feels off. It’s just an act for them to get something from someone.
There’s also a huge difference between what they do when people are watching (or maybe watching) and what happens behind closed doors.
In the privacy of their own home, or wherever they rule, they feel they can do whatever they want. This is when you’ll see the truth about them.
Their priority when they are out and can be seen, is about preserving or enhancing their image. It’s all about how they look.
It can be very confusing how quickly they can change in their ways towards you, but usually it depends on who might be watching, or not.
Kindness, especially at home, is the true proof of love. It needs no audience and it just about caring about that other person.
Do they frequently moan about their lives without taking any actions to improve it?
People with narcissistic personality disorder will often complain about their lives.
Sometimes it’s to dump all those challenging feelings onto someone else, it makes them feel better afterwards.
They feel relieved, lighter and you’ve taken on the burden, so you feel worse afterwards.
It can appear that they want advice, so you advise. But they don’t want that, they just what someone to dump it all onto.
Often, it’s to make everything about them, no matter what you’re discussing about your life, it all comes back to them.
They’ll take no action to make it any better because it’s not really that bad. It’s just about making it about them and you going along with it.
If you care and show that you do, then they relish it. They love to know that other people care about them, because it makes them feel superior because they don’t feel the same way.
It’s part also of the relationship being all about them and what they want or need. What you want or need doesn’t matter to them.
Are they judgemental?
Someone with NPD will be very critical of other people, usually these are people that they either feel superior to or are jealous of.
If they feel superior, then they will be judgemental to show others how much better they are than that person.
By drawing attention to that person, they feel that they are painting themselves in a good light. (It doesn’t always have the intention they desire!).
If they are jealous of someone, they will want to bring them down, either to their face or behind their back. They won’t make any effort to change their own circumstances to feel better, they prefer instead to drag others down with them.
Narcissists will usually surround themselves with people who are either toxic themselves or have emotional wounds from unrecognised trauma of involvement with toxic people.
These people, in different ways, will gain from the relationship with a narcissist.
The toxic people will get the drama and chaos from being associated with a narcissist. They relish any attention and energy from other people too.
The unhealed wounded will try to fix things between people and may be unwittingly used in the narcissists’ games. They do this because of their own unknown and unresolved issues from their own experiences, hoping for a different outcome through other people.
Narcissists don’t have a good word for or about someone, unless they are trying to win favour with them. Even then, though, it feels insincere.
When they decide that they like someone, it’s because they hope to gain something from them. It might a financial, or social gain, or something that they can do for the narcissist.
But it can change quickly, especially if they find that that person is not what they thought they were.
They base it all from the judgements that they make about people. They are quick to judge and take action on it.
A narcissist has a lot of horrible things to say about people. Some things are based on the truth, some outright lies and some the terrible things that they have done that they project onto others.
Do you feel you have to see/ speak to them but you don’t want to?
A narcissist will make you feel obligated to them.
When you give in to them, even when you don’t’ want to, or shouldn’t have, the chances are that they have made you feel obligated to them.
Usually, they make you feel responsible for how they feel, their situation or their age or health.
Time spent talking to them or seeing them is rarely, or never, fun, or enjoyable for you, but yet you still keep on doing it.
The narcissist loves the challenge of knowing that you don’t want or can’t to do something but that they talked you around to their way.
A narcissistic parent would have conditioned you throughout childhood to be obligated to them for all they did for you as a child.
With a narcissistic partner, they may remind of whatever they think they may have sacrificed for you, or have done for you, to manipulate you into doing what they want.
This feeling of obligation is used to keep you close to them. Without it, the chances are you would never see them.
Narcissists are like really, really bad friends, but if they’re a parent, or to a lesser extent a partner, you feel that you can’t stop seeing them.
Have you ever felt terrible about not seeing them/speaking to them?
This is the toxic guilt that the narcissist has instilled in you.
Healthy guilt serves a purpose to guide us, when you feel guilt it’s because you know that you shouldn’t do something.
Toxic guilt, however, which provokes the shame response, is very uncomfortable, and to alleviate that discomfort you’ll concede to the narcissist.
The guilt/shame you feel is because you think you’re a bad person, and if the narcissist manipulates you, they can make you feel that you are responsible for how bad they feel.
It’s difficult to recognise this as toxic guilt, because being involved with a narcissist it’s such a normal feeling.
However, you can recognise it if it makes you do things that you don’t really want to!
I hope that these 10 questions have helped you find clarity about the person you are asking about.
For more information there is also:
❓ Quick Question Ask me a question https://comebackbrighter.com/new-quick-question/
💟 Coaching Session & Coaching Packages SPECIAL INTRODUCTORY OFFER From ONLY 80 €
https://comebackbrighter.com/coaching-services/
😍 Patreon! 😍 Find out more here: https://www.patreon.com/clarelane
📖 I’m on Medium https://clarelane-comebackbrighter.medium.com/
👀 YouTube channel https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCJGGrJYny9EwmmcOuIjmKGw
🎥 My vlog: https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLAYiMpCKIO9iKxRthWbn6YEjyjVvQ-JXC
👂 My Google podcast https://podcasts.google.com/feed/aHR0cHM6Ly9hbmNob3IuZm0vcy80NmJlZmYzYy9wb2RjYXN0L3Jzcw
🔈 Apple podcasts https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/come-back-brighter/id1588224250
❓ Quora : https://www.quora.com/profile/Clare-Lane-12
✒️ Here are my blogs https://comebackbrighter.com/latest-blogs/
💻 More information on my website https://comebackbrighter.com/
💌 Or contact me at clarecomebackbrighter@gmail.com
You are not alone, Clare x